Because Karma, that's why
by GozenReiji
Summary: There is a right time and a right place for everything. Too bad this isn't it. Male SI/OC tries and fails to be semi-normal in the world of Naruto. Warning for things of M rated nature inside chapter A/N. Will be M/M, eventually. Or now, now is good too.
1. 1: Prologue

OK, so... Where do I even begin? Well, for starters, don't joke about shit you know nothing about, especially if the joke was directed at a creepy beggar-person-thing on the street dressed all suspicious like and... Nevermind, let's just say it was a stupid move on my part, I just didn't know how stupid at the time. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here, Hi there how are you? Let me introduce myself. I had the fortune of having a creative mother who named me Mitsuki, written as full moon, you'll never guess why… Yes, it was a full moon when I was born. Aside from the incredibly girly name (do you not know how to differentiate genders, woman!?) that was given to me there was nothing special about my birth, or my Mother… excepting that it was all happening inside of a whore house, and that yes, I became a son of a no name whore.

It was obviously a bit, or a lot, confusing when at the age of four, aside from the headaches, I began getting foreign memories, pictures, sounds, languages… And at the time, when I finally sorted everything out, I had tentatively allowed myself to think that I have been reborn, reincarnated, booted from my previous life and into the next, death is but a next great adventure and all that shite. So, I was like Ok, I can work with this, seeing as my now previous life wasn't really what you would call great. Super, awesome. Until one day, while I was being out on an errand for the Okaa-san I saw the big Mt. Rushmore dupe, and promptly realized that I, indeed, am fucked.

Let's go back to the creepy beggar-person-thing. I was at the delicate young age of only 27. And like I said, my life wasn't exactly great. Long story short, I was involved in crime since I was a kid, thanks to my no good cokehead Dad, and invisible Mom who conveniently disappeared when I was 7. And since my mom was no longer there to supply coke to my Dad, guess who got the privilege? Annnnd fast forward, it was an especially bad day, I had a friend get busted by the cops, and the money that was on him, the money that was supposed to be payment for a new shipment got busted with him. So I was just minding my own business, walking through the alley, trying to think up a way to get the money and not get killed, when out of nowhere ( look, she was really hunched and shadowy, OK? Not my fault I didn't see her) this old lady starts talking to me, asking about shit that's really none of her business, spouting nonsense about Karma and whatnot, and me, being the funny guy that I am, say something like: „ Why don't you die and get reborn as a rich person, then you would't have to bother me." ... More or less. And she gave me this look, I remember, it froze my feet to the ground for a moment, I wasn't really sure then what was going on but I had this squeezing feeling inside me, like something was poking around in my insides, and when I finally came to my senses she said „I wish you luck in your next life, it looks like you've run out in this one." And I quickly got my ass out of there, because I knew, I really did have no luck. And so, to no ones surprise, by the time the sun rose to begin the next day, I was lying in a puddle of my own blood, shot by the bastards who didn't get their money.

Annnnnd fast forward a bit more, whore got pregnant, I got born, lot's of screaming and crying and poop, I was four, Mt. Rushmore, and the realization, that I... I got reborn into the Naruto world.

Fuck. My. Life.

* * *

So, hi... I'm just come out and say that I am not really a writer, nor aspiring to be one, I'm just a girl with too much time on her hands, reading too much fanfiction and getting strange ideas, like being creative and trying to write one for a change. So enjoy, I guess. Comment if you like it, or don't, and see you next time, whenever that is.


	2. 2: A day in life

Ok, first of all, what? Are you people insane, reading my story? Gosh and golly I'm flattered. But don't be too nice, I might get used to it. Anywho, thanks for the reviews, and I guess I'll answer any questions here so read if you're interested, if not go on ahead and skip this part.

xOchibix- My sentiments exactly, that is actually why my character is male even though it will be harder for me to write. I think I actually did read the Sesshy/oc story... Hmmm, sorry for stealing the title OG title creator. And about the yaoi... Well, I don't wanna spoil anything after the first chapter so just wait and see. But... *wink* *wink* I get ya girl, seems we have the same taste, If you haven't already I suggest reading Power and Possession, absolute favorite of mine, like seriously.

 **Legend: Oomise- like a high end brothel. In way back when Edo period there was like a ranking of brothels in Yoshiwara (the red light district) from lowest to highest it was: Shoumise, Chuumise and Oomise. Our boy is working in an Oomise. So, think fancy.**

 **Okaa-san-Not actually his mother, but the boss lady of the house, everyone answers to her and she handles business and money. No messing with her or you gonna get thrown out on the street.**

And without further ado, enjoy the new chapter that came out surprisingly fast.

* * *

It was an early morning, as everyday was. It wasn't something that I used to do in my previous life, but it is something that I had to get used to in this one. Waking up early was a must in this place, ironic seeing as this is a place for the so called night workers, and if you do not comply to the rules you get punished. You see, I learned pretty early on that in this place no one stays for free, not even a child as I. And to earn a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies, we had to work. And work we did. Rising with the sun was something that became natural for me, but my mother... Well, let's just say she worked hard to deserve the extra sleep.

My duties, or chores, if you will, were to first and foremost take care of my mother's needs. I go into the kitchen to ensure she gets a breakfast when she wakes up, then I find her little helper, a girl that is learning the trade from my mother, and see to it that she has woken up and started to prepare mother's kimono and makeup for the day. Thinking about it, she spends way to much time getting made up only for it to get fucked up... Literally. Anyway, after that is done I run back to see if mother woke up yet and inquire as to what she needs for that morning. It is absolutely tedious, and nerve wrecking (I am a grown man, I shouldn't be doing this shit) but it's what ensures that I remain in the house, ensures that I remain needed and important, ensures that I don't remain without a mother, yet again.

Finally, after all that, I get to go into the kitchen and eat whatever is leftover from the breakfast, and go to Okaa-sama to get more chores. Now usually, seeing as I'm actually four years old in this life, I don't have to do much more so I wander around the Akasen, see what's up, what's good, and go back to my mother. It's mostly repetitive, same thing every day, but this day as I entered my mother's room, there was something different, scary, unusual. She was smiling. And it was seriously creeping me out.

"Oh! Micchan, there you are, come here I need you to brush my hair"

Now usually that is something Tomoe, mother's little helper, is supposed to be doing, but in the event of mother's unusual behavior I swallowed the negative reply that was rising up and instead answered, " Of course mother. Are you going somewhere? "

"No... No. Today... See Micchan, mama is actually a very important person, yes. And today mama has a special guest coming to see her. So I need to look my best! "

What she actually means to say is that she is a highly sought after courtesan, praised for her beauty...and skill. While it is pretty crappy to be born in a brothel, I've at least had the good sense to be born in a high end one, an Oomise if you will. For mother to actually be excited for a customer... He must be someone pretty important, or rich, either or both.

It has been about a week since the great revelation, as I call it, when I found out exactly where the fuck I am. And since then everything has changed. Well... Not really, but you catch my drift. After a bout of panic, and nearly getting run over by a horse for standing in the middle of the street like an idiot, I decided to do... Absolutely nothing. As much as the thought of having magic hands and spinny eyes appeals to me, I ain't getting involved in that shit, K? I ain't dying, again. So I just continued my life as it was before I knew that the crazy people jumping on rooftops are just crazy ninja jumping on rooftops...Yeah, let's just leave it at that.

"Mother... Is your friend a ninja?"

"Now, where would you get that idea?"

Shit. I can see her trying to be coy, covering her smiling mouth, her long nails freshly painted red. So I'm right, it is a ninja.

"It's just... I... I mean-"

"Speak properly Mitsuki, I didn't raise you to be a bumbling idiot."

"Yes mother" I grit my teeth behind her back. "It's just that mother is so beautiful she must have only the best and strongest friends visiting her."  
It's a good thing she wouldn't suspect a four year old dishing out sarcasm left and right, or I would have been slapped silly ages ago.

"Yes dear, your mama is the best. And yes, it is a shinobi coming to see me. That's enough brushing, go fetch Tomoe, you can go eat after that."

"Thank you mother"

I exit the room, walking backwards, bowing and shit. God this place is ridiculous. But nevermind that. She has ninja visiting her regularly, I can't be discovered. What if they figure out that I'm not who I say I am. I mean I _am_ a four year old bastard. But four year old bastards surely shouldn't be as advanced as I am, already speaking full sentences and everything... So that means... It means my plan to do nothing is a no-go. Fuck. Why me?! Ok, ok.. calm down. First food and then new-wait, what was it I was supposed to do?

"Oh! Micchan, there you are! I've been looking everywhere for you, do you want to play together?"

Speaking of. "Tomoe-nee. Mother wants you to help her. We can't play now."

"Why didn't you say so earlier?! I must go quickly, bye bye Micchan!"

And now, I can go eat. Haaaa... Fuck my life.

* * *

And done... Don't be shy and tell me what you think. This story, for me at least, is supposed to be kinda like fantasy fulfillment, just everything I wanted to happen in other stories I read that wasn't possible meets trying to write an actual semi-realistic story. Also, it should be kinda obvious by my language and weird mistakes that I will probably miss that English isn't my first language, it's the third actually... So, advice? If you see anything that I missed or have anything to add to my writing style it will make my learning curve faster so please PM, review or whatev. Peace!


	3. 3: The development

Will there be an A/N at the beginning and ending of every chapter? Yes, the answer is yes. In this chapter we see me struggling to add more dialogue and trying to flesh out the characters more. I hope I'm doing at least a passable job at it. Please remember that when you read stories that are mostly in one character's POV that the story telling is unreliable most of the time because it is not objective, but the opposite. I might do different POV's, but not any time soon. So any descriptions, most notably in this chapter are the descriptions of his mother that he doesn't really like, are subjective. I actually Imagine Chihiro being beautifull in a classic Japanese way, which is why I gave her that name, roughly meaning one in a thousand. Anywho, please enjoy.

 **Legend: Goshujin-sama- a title meaning Master, which is what they call all of their customers.**

* * *

"Maiko-nee, what's for breakfast?"

"Ah, Micchan, here you are, I left this aside just for you"

Maiko is a girl that usually gets stuck with kitchen duty, we're already familiar with each other seeing as a lot of my chores end up with me going to the kitchen to fetch something.

"Look here, I left you extra salmon onigiri, your favorite"

I see, she must want something from me. In this place everyone is looking after their own interests, naturally, so for people to do something nice for you out of nowhere means that they want something from you.

"Thanks Maiko-nee!"

"Nee Micchan, would you do your Maiko-nee a favor?"  
Called it.

"Sure." I sounded out between bites. If nothing else, at least the food is good.

"I need you to deliver something to someone."

"Who?"

"You don't need to know that, just the time and place, and someone will be there to pick it up."

"Ok... I guess. What do I have to take?"

She smiles giddily, clasping her hands against her chest before promptly turning around and rummaging through the cupboard behind her. She takes out a parcel wrapped in a sakura themed kerchief. It looks like a bento, but I know that's not it, or she wouldn't be asking _me_ to deliver it.

"Where do I take it?"

"You know that dango shop on Tobirama and fifth?"

"Yeah?"

"Well there, can you do it today?

"Sure..."

"After you eat?"

"Ok..."

"Good, thank you Micchan!"

She kisses my cheek and disappears through the door.  
Well ok... Haaaa, I have been demoted to being a messenger again. As if there wasn't enough of that in my last life. But nevermind that. I need a way to sneak into my mother's session today. Not sure if it's gonna help knowing who the ninja visiting my mother is but I'm too curious not to know.

See, in my other life I was a drug dealer. But, like everyone else, I had things that let me escape my reality, even if just for a little while. For me that was watching anime. And of course I watched Naruto, and of course I got overly invested. I wouldn't call myself an expert on all things Naruto, but... I do know a lot.  
I need to know who's coming today because I have a sneaking suspicion of it being the infamous womanizer slash spymaster. And if it is, I might be screwed... Just a bit.

And so without further ado, I get my tushy of the chair, take the parcel and get out of there. I have some planning to do.

.

.

.

It was nearing eight o'clock, it was still summertime though so it wasn't even dark yet. My plan was to take one of Tomoe's yukata and try to disguise myself, yes… I'm still not too sure how that's even going to work but that's the plan. In this place the girls who are still too young to start taking customers are given the honor of being… well basically servants. Though, they call it training. Yeah right, who do you think you're fooling? Anyway, I get dressed, do my hair all pretty like, and go sit around the corner to mother's room.

Usually the courtesans serve customers in groups, serving tea, chatting and things like that…pretty innocent stuff. But, the more experienced, and popular women, like my darling mother, have their own rooms to entertain the customers with a little extra something, if you catch my drift.

Mother was already in the room, having started to entertain guests since early evening, the reason I am even able to get away with sitting around the corner like this is because the little servant girls are charged with bringing more tea, snacks or whatever it is that they need at the time, so they have to stay close.

It wasn't long before I could hear footsteps coming down the long and narrow hallway leading to my mother's room. I keep my head down, and ears out. I can feel them coming closer with every step, and at this point I am struggling to keep my breathing normal. What if this was a mistake? What if I get busted now? Before I could wind myself up even more the footsteps stop next to my knee. I peek up through my fringe and with a voice as girly as I can manage ask

"Can I help you goshujin-sama?"

I can practically feel him exhale above my head.

"Yeah. Why don't you bring me and Chihiro-san some fresh sake."

"Of course goshujin-sama, right away." I carefully pick myself up, bow low, and as I'm raising my head up I see… I see _him._ Shit! Shitshitshitshit! I was right, of course I was right! Who else would it be other than the mighty and gallant whore mongering Jiraiya-sama!

I'm quick to get away. I can feel him smirking behind my back, the bastard! Is this funny to him? Of course it is, what am I thinking? Ok, ok. I gotta calm down. Think rationally, yeah? First things first, go get the sake, don't wanna seem too suspicious. Right. To the kitchen.

As I get to the kitchen I see none other than someone who is sure to recognize me despite my clever disguise. It's Maiko.

"Ah, Maiko-nee, you're… here."

"Of course I am silly, where else would I be? The better question is what are _you_ doing here Micchan, and dressed like that no less?"

"Look, it's complicated… Can you do me a favor and not tell anyone?"

"Hmmm… I don't know, it seems like a pretty big thing to keep quiet about~"

She's acting so smug right now, God it's pissing me off. Not a good time, girly!

"I'll owe you one." I add reluctantly. It's not really a good idea to owe anything to anyone in this place, much less a favor, but I'm kinda panicking here. I got too far to fail now.

She's twirling the end of her ponytail around her pointer finger, playing like she's not sure if it's enough to keep quiet about this. Seriously pissin' me off here!

"Ok Micchan, but remember, you owe me a favor~!"

"Yeah, yeah. Can you help and bring sake to mother's room, she's entertaining a guest."

"Why Micchan, why should I do that when you're dressed so prettily! You should go and show it off, you never know maybe someone will fall for you~!" Bitch.

She goes away, her laugh echoing through the hallways. I guess it's up to me then. I saw this done like a thousand times already. The sake is kept in special pots to keep it fresh. There is a complete set you have to put on a serving plate. A bottle in which you pour sake from the pot, and the two shallow cups. With sake we always have to take some incredibly hipster artsy cakes, they mostly look like flowers and look like they might taste like shit, but they're actually pretty good. I take the serving plate and head back to mother's room, trying my best the whole way not to trip on the hem of this stupid yukata. Why did I think this was a good plan, again?

As I turn the corner before mother's room I can hear Jiraiya's boisterous laughing and my mother's fake breathy one. I can just imagine her now, her hand over her mouth displaying gaudy overly expensive jewelry that she thinks show off her beauty. I kneel in front of the shoji door and knock quietly on the frame to announce my presence. The laughter stops immediately.

"Come in girl" I can hear my mother say. God, she's trying really hard to be sexy. I think I'm gonna barf.

I open the door first, bow low, my head to the ground, and only then take the serving plate and carefully bring it to the low table separating my mother and Jiraiya. I move everything from the plate to the table, take the plate and hold it against my chest. I walk backwards to the door, step over the wood holding the shoji door in place, I sit down, bow once more and close the door.

As I'm walking back to the kitchen, hoping against hope that my mother didn't recognize me, I hear Jiraiya proclaim "Well, she's cute. Now, where were we?" and the laughter starting anew.

That night, as I'm lying in bed, I'm left to wonder if the beggar lady from the last life didn't curse me somehow, wishing me good luck… No matter. Like always, I will find a way to survive, just not really sure how. Yet.

* * *

And that's it for this chappie. I'm actually really excited to be writing this story, the reason why the chapters are coming out so soon. But don't expect that to continue for the rest of the story... Just sayin'. As always comments, good and bad are welcome.


	4. 4: The consequences

Hi, hello. I have this feeling like fanfiction dot net is trying, and succeeding in screwing me over. I posted chapters one and two not long after the prologue... but they don't seem to be netting the same views as the prologue, probably because it says that they were all posted at the same time. Hmmm... Anyway, here is another chapter, I'm slowly getting in the hang of writing longer ones every time so i hope you enjoy that. This chapter I feel is more descriptive of the characters and surroundings, hope you can imagine it while you're reading.

 **Legend: Kamuro-were children, usually seven to fifteen years of age, who served as courtesans' attendants. Generally, a courtesan had only one _kamuro_ in the 1600s, while in the 1700s, each courtesan (above a certain rank) came to have two _kamuro_ accompanying her.**

 **Oshoku: The best selling courtesan at the time. They change depending on a lot of things, but mostly they're the ones bringing in the most cash.**

 **Shinzo:** **were courtesans-in-training, usually 13 to 23 years of age, who usually served as attendants to higher-ranking courtesans.**

 **Hikomi: A courtesan, most likely in training, who has a lot of potential to become an oshoku in the future.**

 **Tatami: A** **rush-covered straw mat forming a traditional Japanese floor covering.**

 **Shoji:** **A translucent screen consisting of a wooden frame covered in rice paper, used as a sliding door or partition in a Japanese house.**

 **Seiza:** **Japanese term for one of the traditional formal ways of sitting in Japan. Our boy, unknowingly, sits in the typical female position where the knees are pressed together.**

If I missed anything you can always ask... Or just Google it.

* * *

It wasn't a good sleep that I had that night. My bed, if you could even call a futon that, was uncomfortable, suffocating and too warm. But that was just the surface of what was really bothering me, and that was the fact that I had no fucking idea what to do next. It's not like I knew before, but... Before it wasn't as important as it is now, and now if I don't somehow magick up a plan... I. Am. Fucked. Seriously.

I'm not really sure what last night's fiasco accomplished, apart from getting me into more shit. Maiko-nee found out about me on the account of being in the wrong place at the right time, and mother... As much as her behavior bothers me I know she isn't as stupid as she makes herself out to be. So that means that mother figured me out too. The only good thing about that is that she would probably distract Jiraiya from thinking about me too much.

It's time for me to do my chores... I guess the only thing I can do about last night is wait for the concequences of my stupid plan.

.

.

.

.

It wasn't until the next day that I got a summons from my mother to come to her entertaining room. Once I got there, as I was kneeling in front of the shoji door, I could see two silhouettes, they were conversing, and they were both female. So that means that Jiraiya, at least, didn't think me suspicious. As per usual etiquette I knocked on the wooden door frame, waited to be allowed entrance and once I opened the door I bowed low, my forehead touching the well kept tatami mat beneath me. I turned around, closed the door, and as calmly as I could sat in a proper seiza between the two ladies already occupying the room. My head was kept down but I already knew who was in attendance with my mother. It was Saeko-sama. The Okaa-san. The boss lady. The one who could very well decide to throw me out on the street for pulling shit I had no business, or training in doing.

"Hello Mitsuki."

It was Okaa-san that spoke first. Her face set in a polite smile. Her makeup subtle but complimenting her natural beauty. Saeko-sama wasn't young by any means, but you would be remiss to call her old. She wasn't extremely beautiful, nor ugly. She just had this polite face, one that calms you, reassures you. But her countenance makes you think twice about being anything but perfectly polite and cordial in front of her, it makes you respect her without knowing what about her is deserving of that respect. It's that same thing that allowed her to make this place one of the most lucrative brothels in Tanzaku town. And she knows it.

"Good afternoon Saeko-sama."

"Call me Okaa-san, Mitsuki."

"Of course... Okaa-san."

"Do you know why you have been summoned here?"

"I can guess..."

"Well?"

"It is because I dressed up in Tomoe's yukata and pretended to be one of the kamuro attending mother..."

"Yes. And why is it that you would even want to do such a thing. Don't think I haven't noticed your opinion on the girls. You think them beneath you. Why is it that you would... Stoop to their level, so to speak."

I knew at this point that if I screwed up in my answer it wouldn't go well for me .

"I wanted to see who mother's ninja friend was."

"And did you?"

She knows I did. It was a rhetorical question.

"Yes, Okaa-san." My voice had turned meek in the wake of the look she was giving me.

"You do know that you have to get punished now. Nothing is done without consequence Mitsuki. You would do well to remember that." You think I don't know that already?! But what I replied was another meek

"Yes, Okaa-san."

"Look, Mitsuki, I know that you are a smart boy. I'm sure you noticed that not many here truly treat you like a child. What you did made me think otherwise. But despite it being a very stupid thing you did, it was not entirely without merit. It made me aware of something about you. Something that could very well prove useful in the future."

"What... Is it?"

"You, by yourself dressed in a yukata, properly, waited on your mother, properly, prepared and brought sake, properly. It seems to me like you know what you're doing. To a point, of course."

Shit. I really don't like where this is going.

"Since you're obviously so... Invested in doing everything the girls are doing, why don't you just cut out the sneaking and do everything like the girls are doing. From now on you will be apprenticed to one of my ladies. You will dress like they tell you. Wear your hair like they tell you. Do what they tell when they tell you to do it. Is that clear?"

"But Saeko-sama! I'm a boy! I'm not supposed to be doing that!"

"I asked, is that clear?"

Fuck. I can see that I have no choice here. If I were to deny her further my punishment would probably be worse. Better to just accept it now as it is.

"Yes, Okaa-san. It is clear."

"Good. You will come find me tomorrow morning, you will then find out who your mistress will be for the foreseeable future. You are dismissed."

I could see my mother's excited hands clenching into fists upon her lap. That bitch probably had something to do with my punishment. She always lamented how she wished I were a girl.

I bowed to Saeko-sama and once in my mother's direction, a much shallower bow, before I left the room.

I calmly walked down the hallway, ignoring the curious looks the other girls were giving me. I have no right to be derisive of them now. Soon, I will be just like them. Isn't that a good joke.

.

.

.

The following morning I came to the quarters of Saeko-sama. To enter her room required an overly complicated procedure of announcing oneself to the girl attending her that day. That girl then announces your presence to Saeko-sama, of course, in the meantime, you are to wait kneeling in front of the door. Once your presence was announced, and permitted, the girl comes back to inform you. She kneels in front of you, slides the door open, then the both of you can come in. Behind that first door is another hallway, this one only used for the private quarters of Saeko-sama. Once more the process is repeated until we, finally, enter the actual room.

Saeko-sama is found sitting on a heap of expensive looking silk cushions, smoke lazily coilng from the pipe held delicately in her jewelry adorned hand. The other hand is entangled in the hair of a sleeping girl lying in her lap. The 'daughter' of the month.

I bowed to her and at her gesture sat in a seiza on the tatami sprawling beneath us.

She looked to be contemplating something, her eyes giving up nothing but an excited glint, though that could have just been my imagination. We sat in silence for an indeterminate amount of time, I want to say it's been ages, but surely that's not possible, until the attending girl once again announced the presence of someone entering the room. It must be the woman she convinced to dole out my punishments.

And of course I'm right, once again. The woman who entered was undeniably beautiful. She had long flowing hair that were this my old life I would have said was fake judging by the impossible silver color, the color of stars. Her eyes, creased in a smile, were also observing me. She didn't look like she was being forced to do this. I can't say for sure if that's a good thing or not just yet.

Saeko-sama indicated for her to take a seat next to me, and so she did, her legs folding gracefully underneath her, a hand hidden inside the long sleeve of her elaborate kimono covering her no-doubt smiling mouth. Saeko-sama looked as if she had finally finished her ruminations, the smoke from her pipe had long stopped coming out, but the overly sweet smell still remained. I remembered this smell, it was opium. She held out her pipe to her attending girl to be filled up again and finally spoke.

„So...I trust everybody is aware of the reason we are here." Here she waited but a moment for our affirming nods.

„Mitsuki, this here is Harue. She is currently our Oshoku. You are to listen to everything she says and do it to perfection. Mistakes will be punishable, especially ones that might endanger our customer relations. You will be learning from her the proper dress and makeup, how to eat, how to drink, how to walk, speak, sleep, write, dance, play and much more. You had made yourself out to be mature and capable so act like it. At the end of every month you will come to me and show me your progress. If I find it unacceptable it will add more to your debt to me. You will act as a kamuro to Harue, and when you're older, if I find you deserving, you will be promoted to shinzo."

I was left without words, my mouth surely gaping open by the end of her speech. They're trying to make me into a prostitute. I mean... I was of course aware that male prostitutes exist, and furthermore are actually in pretty high demand seeing as having sex with them will never lead to a bastard accidentally being conceived, like it happened with my mother. I knew that I was in no position to deny this, especially because they will be putting a lot of recources into me, giving me a proper education, which is more than a lot of kids here will never receive. This means they likely think me a Hikomi, someone with a lot of potential... I dislike the idea of selling my body, but that likely won't happen for at least another ten to fifteen years, and by then I will surely find a solution, so everything actually goes into my favour here. There is no reason not to acquiesce, none at all.

And so I said yes.

.

.

.

And just like that the next five years passed. I am ten years old now. I know how to write calligraphy, i know how to dance, play the koto and serve tea ceremonies. The training so far has been trial and error, but I have managed to please Saeko-sama with my progress, no doubt it was thanks to the fact that I'm not actually ten years old mentally, I haven't been for over three decades now. In fact, Saeko-sama was so pleased she decided to go ahead and promote me to a Shinzo. A courtesan in training.

And today I begin a new day as a different person. I can't say that my life is good. But I can definitely say that it is better, now more than ever. You see, these past years training to be a pleasure woman wasn't all I did, though it is the majority. I... I have finally made a plan, and it is brilliant. I can hold my head up high from today on, because I, my darlings, am getting fucking rich and getting the fuck out of this place. Mark my words, the world will know of me as the best fucking informant that has ever existed, who else but me can claim to know the future? And what a future it is. Hahahahahaahahahaa...Haaaa... Ok, back to work.

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Hope you enjoyed and see you soon. Peace!


	5. 5: Beauty in the eyes of the beholder

Yass, get it bitch.

This chapter we see a Mitsuki that is a bit different, in the sense of his more refined (head)speech and him accepting the person he is now, instead of the person he thinks himself to be, i.e. the one he was before... and the ceremony to become a shinzo. The debt mentioned in a lot of places is something that every courtesan owes to the Okaa-san, simply by being allowed housing, food and work they work up a debt. The Okaa-san provides them with customers in the beginning. She makes sure they have quality clothes and jewelry, they have their hair done professionally, the brothel also serves as a safe house for many, running away from abusive husbands or people chasing them for whatever reason. The courtesans pay a percent of their earnings to Okaa-san and once the debt is payed they can decide if they want to go or stay. Many of them stay and earn enough to have a comfortable life when they are older.

 **Legend: Shinzo: apprentice courtesan, like a junior. Mitsuki doesn't really have to do much in the terms of learning the trade, but he is still too young to be taking customers by himself.**

 **Mizuage: A coming of age for courtesans where they choose a man to give their virginity to and are from then on considered full fledged courtesans, so not shinzo anymore. Usually, though, the man isn't chosen by the courtesan herself but either to someone the Okaa-san chooses or to the highest bidder.**

 **Orihara Izaya: the main protagonist villain in the light novel and anime series Durarara! He is an infamous information broker.**

 **Shizuo: Or, Heiwajima Shizuo: from the same series, Izaya's sworn enemy that seeks to destroy him any chance he gets. Definite reccomend if you haven't watched Durarara! already.**

 **Soap-land: an onsen where alongside actually bathing you can receive service of a more sexual nature. The women working there are called soap-ladies.**

Someone asked me where I find all the information for the fic, my answer is that you can actually learn a lot by reading manga, the subject you learned about notwithstanding.

* * *

You know... Sometimes I feel like the main character of a story. I have been doing some thinking, and I realized that until now things have come relatively easy to me. No one treated me like a child, I had food, a roof over my head, I was given a thorough education, even my punishments were for my benefit in the end. But that isn't actually the reason for that feeling. It's because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that something is going to go sideways, and it's going to happen in a way I never expected. You see, main characters aren't main characters because they're good or powerful or whatever else. They're the main characters because they suffer the most. And even though it might seem odd to say this, I feel it's been too easy for me in this new life, especially when I compare it to my last one. I'm always right, and so today I begin my day with a nervous anticipation of nothing good.

It is a beautiful spring morning. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and so is the business. Lately, it seems, all of the perverts have been coming out of the woodwork and into our esteemed establishment. It never ceases to amaze me how many people actually visit brothels, and how much money they are willing to spend for some time with a beautiful woman. Contrary to the popular opinion of many, not all coutresans actually sell sex. The lower ranking brothels like soap-lands and pleasure houses might, but ours is a high end fancy place that does tea ceremonies, dances and the like. People come to chat and have their sake served by a pretty lady. That's not to say that other things of a more forbidden nature never happen here, they do, and very much so, but the emphasis is never placed on that, it's rather like a public secret.

Because of that fact, the ladies of Saeko-sama enjoy a more pleasant life, they're like this world's Playboy bunnies, we even sell pictures of the most beautiful courtesans, they're in high demand. All of this, I found out, is because this world doesn't have geishas. So much for the parallel world Japan that I've been relying on... But it is helpful because of one fact in particular. If I'm found undesirable by the customers here, in the sense that they don't want to fuck me, I can pay my debt to Saeko-sama sama by doing tea ceremonies and playing the koto.

You might wonder why it is that I'm explaining all of this. Well, it's because of the simple fact that today is the day that Saeko-sama sama will promote me to a shinzo. That means that I will be in the room alongside a courtesan in need of my help. It also means that the customers will be privy to make a request for me. And if I prove to be good for business, seeing as I am the only male, aside from our flimsy security but they don't count, that is available to entertain guests it might mean that Saeko-sama will decide to plan a mizuage for me, which I certainly don't want to happen. That is the reason for the bad feeling I've been having lately.

I am ten years old, soon to be eleven, but even I can't deny that I look beautiful, and in the future I'm sure to become even more so. I observe myself in the mirror as I prepare for the ceremony. I have surprisingly feminine features (if I didn't have the corresponding dangly bits I would have been certain that I'm a girl) , a slim face, slightly narrow bright amber eyes that angle upwards to my temples. My nose is slim, but not overly small, it is perfectly proportional to the rest of my face and slopes from between my eyes to the very tip of it without even the slightest bump in sight. My chin is sharp, not masculine at all, and the hand powdering it currently is long fingered and dainty. My eyebrows are thick, but not overly, so as not to distract from my eyes, and straight. Above them stands a small curved forehead surrounded by rich chocolate colored baby hairs, though lately it's been getting darker. My hair I grew past my elbows, I styled it with braids every day but it never remains wavy for long. It's pin straight and silky, even _I_ am tempted to touch it more than I might want to admit. I kinda understand the hair twirling thing that girls are wont to do. And it is as I'm staring at my reflection that I see no trace of the me from before.

The foreign tough guy with a strong chin and five day beard, with eyes so light they seemed transparent. Indeed, I can't even see the person that hid underneath that scary visage. I quietly admit to myself, I am a completely different person. I am no longer Vanya, and can't even call myself that in my mind anymore, not when all I see is Mitsuki. I do, however, find it strangely comforting to know that Mitsuki is a completely different person, and that Vanya is someone I never have to be again. I finally have a chance to live how I want, I just have to be patient, stick to the plan, and hope everything goes well.

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There are not many people attending my ceremony (if you can even call it that) to become a shinzo. In attendance are of course Saeko-sama, one of her attending girls, my mother with Tomoe (who has outgrown me and stands two whole heads above me), and my beloved mentor Harue who, despite her age, is still the best selling girl 'round here (I'm never quite sure what her actual age is as she seemingly doesn't ever age, just becomes more beautiful with time, like ripened wine).

This 'ceremony' is actually me signing a contract to pay off a sum that I owe for the work put into me becoming what I am today. For all the jewelry, kimono and yukata, for my own room and better food that I received throughout these years. The contract states that once I do become a courtesan I will be obligated to stay and work for Saeko-sama until there comes such a time that the debt will be considered payed in full. Which could take anywhere from five to however many years, depending on your skill, and the ceremony is there to make it seem official, meaningful, it is my mentor giving me away to others, a sign of me growing up.

Everything is business here, and, thanks to my old life as a drug dealer, I know business. The current market demand is such that everything plays into my favor. I did a bit of research, and it seems like I'm the only human of the male sex deemed beautiful enough to be a courtesan, in fact I'm told that I'm the most beautiful one to day. But I don't let it get to my head.

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The ceremony is done, the contract is signed and everyone has left to do their own thing. Only Saeko-sama and I remain. She is, as always, tough to get a read on. She is standing not a meter away from me, unlit pipe in hand, as is almost always found there. She looks me over once, twice, goes around me and does another once-over. She seems to be contemplating something of great importance. Or, she might be thinking of what to have for lunch... I never really know, but my instinct never faiils me and I know she has something p,anned for me. I know I didn't have a bad feeling this morning for no reason. I'm not a really paranoid creature by nature, if I am, that is my instinct warning me of something, and I always do my best to listen.

Suddenly I can feel a change in the air. Saeko-sama licks her lips, her pointer finger tapping on the long body of her pipe, and declares suddenly

"Strip."

What?

"A… Saeko-sama? I must have heard you wrong, have you said-"

"I said strip, boy. You will do well to listen better next time I tell you something."

The fuck is this bitch thinking? But fine, 's not like I can say no on the premises of me being uncomfortable. And so I strip. Peace by peace I take it off. I unravel the long monochromatic obi from around my waist, than the outer kimono, followed closely by the inner one. And soon enough I am laid bare beneath her gaze, literally.

She starts hmm-ing and haw-ing, the girl attending her hiding a blush behind the sleeve of her flowery kimono. Saeko-sama narrows her eyes seeming unsatisfied with something. But she gets an excited feel about her in a moments time and barks out

"Lay down on your back!"

And I do. I can feel the redness spreading across my cheeks, by this point surely as red as a lobster.

But for some reason Saeko-sama looks immensely satisfied now. Like she has confirmed a theory of hers. I just thought her disturbed.

"Mari!" She yells excitedly "Help the boy dress."

"Yes, Okaa-san." Is the meek answer that she receives from the girl.

I get up and start putting my inner robe on, the girl, Mari, scrambling to pick up and prepare my obi.

What was the point of this? It definitely wasn't to get her rocks off, so it must have served some purpose. Whatever that purpose is, I know I won't like it one bit.

"You have grown just as I expected Mitsuki. Soon enough you will have an even more beautiful body, one that the mere sight of can please more than just a certain type of clients."

Pedophiles. She means pedophiles.

"To achieve that as soon as possible you will start training" She says determinately.

"Training?" Is my creative response.

"Yes, Mitsuki, training. Because you are a man you will start developing differently than the girls…"

Is she explaining puberty to me? Oh, I can't bare the mortification of that, please God, if you exist, stop her now.

"I have contacted one of my friends. She was an accomplished kunoichi in her prime. She has gotten a bit in her age now but don't mistake that for weakness, she can still kick anyone's ass in this little town of our's."

What. The. Actual. Fuck? Does she actually want to train me to be a ninja?

"She will teach you the art of seduction, train your body to be a tool for breaking the hearts of men. She will make of you the most beautiful man alive, Mitsuki. I know that you must be confused about everything right now, but that is why I am here, I will take you to the right path Mitsuki, you just have to do your best to stay on it."

I have never seen her so passionate about something. The fuck is going on? A ninja? Training? What right path, bitch, you're ruining _my_ plan. Who gives a fuck about yours? But of course I'm not in a position to say no to her. Especially with her so invested in this. Ok… It's ok. I can make this work in my favor. I do plan to become this world's Orihara Izaya, that means there will be many a Shizuo coming after my all-knowing ass. Ok, yeah, I can see it working out. I'm starting to feel a bit excited myself now. So I answer with a resounding

"Yes. With pleasure, Okaa-san."

And with that we finish the ceremony.

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Hope you enjoyed and see you soon. Peace!


	6. 6: Time flies when you

2000 words! Yaaay~! Ok peeps. So, this chapter is a bit time-skippy. Mostly because I have no patience and want't to get to the good parts as soon as possible. I have changed the summary to include an M/M warning, so beware of that. Also, like I said, any actually explicit chapter will be marked as so in the A/N. I will be putting it at the very end so it will be easy to see. This chapter doesn't have any. We meet a new character, though temporary, she will be mentioned in the future. Also, a bit concerning thing that I have to mention is everyone's casualness concerning Mitsuki's exploits as a courtesan. He is young, make no mistake, and it is inappropriate for a child to be involved in any of that. But also remember that this is a brothel, Mitsuki never actually acted as a child nor does he think of himself as one, and that the setting is kinda like old-time Japan. Meaning people marry young, meaning girls as young as 14 are already popping out babies left and right. Not to mention the wars... We'll get into the timeline in the next chapter... Anyway, without further ado

 **Legend: Archaic speech- formal speech that Mitsuki has to use when addressing anyone but his nonexistent friends-that are also the same age or younger.**

 **Ghetto speech- kinda like inner Mitsuki. Bringing out the hustler attitude.**

 **'tute- as in prostitute**

 **Shishou- in this context it means master, like sensei. Teach me master.**

 **Daimyo- the ruler of the country, kinda like a king, or the president, but importanter**

 **If you are interested in the way I imagine Mitsuki to look search Shiro Adekan on Google. Also Japanese traditional house, for the garden and house setup and everything. Quite interesting if you like architecture. Enjoy!**

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I lay on my bed breathless from laughing. The ceremony ended not an hour ago, I was given leave for the day and begin my new duties on the morrow. The reason for laughing you ask? You know the saying- Sometimes you're not given what you want because something better is planned for you- well I'm beginning to wholeheartedly believe it. From the moment The Revelation settled in I had decided not to be a ninja. No way no how. But… But that doesn't mean I can't just learn how to be a ninja and then just… not go ninjaing around. Ha! This is perfect. This shit is gold. Someone up there must really be looking out for me… Beggar-lady, if you're there, thank you. Sorry I thought you were crazy. Won't happen again… probably.

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Skip to one month later, beginning of May, Age 11

I am wearing a rose pink kimono with a white inner robe, of which only the edge of the collar is peaking out. The pattern on the kimono is of the seasonally appropriate mayflower printed in various shades of pink, blush and cream. The obi is of a yellow color. Not too bright, but also not too toned down. I do need to stand out. My nails are also painted pink, red would clash too much with today's combination. My cheeks have just a hint of rouge on them, lips bitten occasionally so as to maintain the red color. The theme: blushing virgin. Why? Today I have found myself in the luck of serving a customer that has shown interest in me. You might be wondering, why am I looking to gain his attention when at the beginning I was trying everything to prevent that from happening? The answer is… I can't fucking stand these jealous bitches anymore!

Every day is the same story over and over and over again and I can't take it anymore. I'm stealing your customer? Bitch, it's not my fault you so fucking ugly now is it? Trying to make you look bad by performing better than you? Bitch, you manage that all by yourself, not my fault you suck. And I have had enough of being accused of sabotaging you, I don't fucking care enough about you to do that, bitch. God fucking damn it I've had it up to my neck with their constant bitching to Saeko-sama to – please give him to someone else today- I can't work with him, he distracts me- he's always trying to outdo me!- to... to… I don't even fucking know anymore.

So fine. You wanna play ball? Let's play ball, bitch.

Today my smile is practically glued onto me, not budging a bit. I look at the customer through my long lashes as I pour him another cup of sake, the third he's asked for. I make sure to lick my lips when he thinks I don't notice him watching me. I know all the tricks bub. There's no escaping me. Tonight you are mine. He's not bad looking either, which is a relief. If I'm going to degrade myself and take it up the ass it better be with a decent looking person or I ain't having it.

Sasaki, the 'tute I'm helping on this wonderful evening notices everything, but can do nothing to stop it but grit her teeth in anger, or risk looking bad in front of the customer. Technically, I'm not allowed to have sex with customers until I've had my mizuage, but no one said nothing 'bout a little hand action here and there. I haven't had my mizuage yet because I am still a kid, physically at least, and so I have to wait until the- he is still a child- goes into- he's just a bit young, but he looks older doesn't he? It shouldn't be long. Even Saeko-sama is getting sick of these bitches whining all the time, I can tell by the tick near her eye she has every time she informs me of my new placement for the day.

So, the plan is as follows: Find a rich guy, check. I have to make sure he rich 'cause I ain't about to sell myself cheap. Catch him in my trap, almost check.

I look at him from the corner of my eye waiting for him to catch my gaze so that I can act shy and avert my eyes, when I hear a knock. What is it now? Gonna move me again? A girl pokes her head through the gap of the barely open shoji, she catches my gaze and mouths Okaa-san. They are going to move me again. Sometimes I hate that I'm always right.

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I was brought to the zen garden that is located in the center of our little compound. Our place was actually given to Saeko-sama by the former daimyo of the land of Fire, he was her sugar daddy, you could say. The house is in the shape of a hollowed out rectangle. In the middle of it is a traditional garden with a koi fish pond, sand, sakura tree… And everything you can think of being in a Japanese garden we probably have it. It's one of the most calming chores that I had to do as a kid, maintaining the garden that is. On the innermost part of the house, facing the garden, are tea rooms. They are, as the name might suggest, rooms dedicated to tea ceremonies for special guests only. I never had much of a chance to be in one of them before, though I did see them from the outside while doing chores. Today the shoji were wide open to let in the early summer air and the fresh breeze accompanying it. It smelled like happiness.

Once in the room I noticed a woman sitting next to Saeko-sama. She was looking me up and down, as if deciding my worth. I gave her a smile just to let her know I noticed.

''Saeko-sama, might I enquire as to the reason I have been summoned here?'' Or, in normal speech, the fuck do you want now?

''Sit, Mitsuki.'' She answered, waiting for me to do so before continuing.

''This is Nanase. She is a good friend of mine, and also a very accomplished kunoichi, retired as she may be. She will be your sensei for the next couple of years.''

''Ah, nice to meet you Nanase-sama, I am in your care.''

''Hmmm. Yes, you will do well. Come, I need to test your skill to know what I'm working with.''

''Of course, Nanase-sama.'' God her face annoys me. It wouldn't hurt you to show a bit of emotion lady, or maybe your face is stuck like that? Ufu~ Or not… I'm becoming more like those girls every day, get a hold of yourself man. Ah, she's getting up, looks like we're leaving. I bow to Saeko-sama and start to follow the Nanase woman.

''And Mitsuki-''

''Yes, Nanase-sama?''

''From now on call me shishou.'' She said with a strange half smile.

''Yes… shishou.''

And so we went…. To a field. Does this woman not know how expensive this kimono is? Making me tread through mud and grass. No! Snap out of it, it's just clothes. If I could give myself a mental slap this would be it. Maybe some ninjaing around will be good for me, make some testosterone rush through me for a change.

''So… Shishou. What is it that we will be doing?''

''First, take off that kimono.'' What is it with old ladies and making me take my clothes off?

But I do it anyway. I'm left standing in my white inner robe, a thin strip of ribbon the only thing stopping the robe from unraveling and showcasing my body to the entire… Well, I guess there's nobody here to showcase it to so I guess there's no need for acting shy.

''Now, we will do a bit of stretching. Try and follow my lead as best as you can.''

''Yes, shishou.'' I should record my voice and press play every time I have to answer, this is getting a bit repetitive. Haaa, whatever.

And so, she tested my flexibility, which, I have to say, I have a lot of. Compared to my past life I'm basically a contortionist, by no merit of hard work, I was just born like that. Splits? No problem, overhead bridge? Sure, coming right up. Handstand, touching my toes, reaching the middle of my back? I can do it all, no problem. And I guess shishou can see that as well, judging by that satisfied smile she's sporting.

''This is great Mitsuki-chan~'' Chan? ''You've just made my job easier. We can start with strength conditioning, stamina training and introducing you to weapons and chakra.''

''We're doing all of that?''

''Of course. I may not seem like it, but I am a person who does nothing by halves. I have been asked to make you into a weapon, Mitsuki-chan, and so I will!''

She seems way too excited for this. Where's the cold gaze and derisive smirk from earlier gone to?

''Aahh, about that… Saeko-sama probably meant that in the sense of seduction…''

''Nonsense! The ultimate weapon of seduction is to make your body strong and powerful. I will make you a perfect kunoichi!''

Way too excited.

''…But I'm a boy.''

''Now Mitsuki-chan, run around this field as many times as you can! Don't stop until your legs give out!''

Is she Gai's sister? She is, isn't she? She must be. What is this personality turnaround? I don't like it one bit, what's more, I prefer the bitchy one, why can't I have the bitchy one?

''Haa haa ha… Shishou-ha- can I stop yet-haa?''

''Have your legs given out yet?''

Demon. Begone. If only it were that easy…

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For the next month she had me run around the field every day, in addition to that, stretching in weird poses, lifting small weights and trying my hand at a bow and arrow, I had to do my usual chores and job at the brothel. Life was just starting to get better, and now it's back to suck. Give me a break already. I take back what I said beggar-lady! I know you're up there laughing at me! And I just might be going insane…

.

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It was like that, that the next three years with shishou passed. I can't really say I regret it, seeing as I have come to like training immensely, I became an exercise junkie of a kind. My body changed a lot, not in the- I became a muscular manly man, but in the- I look even more like a woman way. My body leaned out, I got muscles in places that make me seem more attractive to men. I grew a bit taller, not too much though, Tomoe is still taller than me. I learned how to use senbon and a tessen as weapons. My strength is basically inhuman, but shishou just smiles and says chakra every time I start to question it. I became more graceful and calm now, more confident too. I have to say that this person that I am becoming... I like him more and more every day. Is it strange to feel that way? Maybe. But other people surely don't mind. I have found that men don't repulse me as they used to before. The thought of touching them, that is. I find that using my beauty to get what I want is one of my favorite pastimes now. It's no wonder then that my popularity skyrocketed. And it's no wonder, then, that Saeko-sama has decided to have my mizuage sooner than most. I think I have never really been considered a child, but now, especially so. Everyone considers me a strong woman… Well we can't have everything, now can we? But most important of all… It is the time to put my plan into action. World beware, Orihara Izaya is coming for you. Ehem, Mitsuki…

Right, that's what I meant.

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See you next time. Peace!


	7. 7: E is for Ecstasy

Hello peeps! What a lovely evening for some light smut, don't you agree? It's mizuage time.

 **Legend: the song in the beginning is Bad Apple, by Tohou project, though the one I was listening to while writing this is a traditional Japanese cover. It's a recommendation to listen to it, you don't have to.**

 **Kanzashi- a long needle like pin made from metal usually and decorated with various flowers and knicknacks, used for keeping hair in place or a hair decoration .**

 **Twelve guardian ninja- the twelve strongest ninja collected from all over the country. They guard the daimyo. In the future of this fic, Sarutobi Asuma becomes one ( that's a hint to the timeline)**

 **Onsen- Japanese hot springs. Very important to their culture, you should know this already.**

 **Geta- wooden flip flops, Jiraiya wears them all the time**

 **Warning! Smut of the M/M variety in this chapter. Look out for the lines if you want to skip that part. If you want to read it, well... enjoy *winkwink***

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''Maybe it's a dream; maybe nothing else is real

But it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel

So I'm tired of all the pain, all the misery inside

And I wish that I could live feeling nothing but the night

You can tell me what to say; you can tell me where to go

But I doubt that I would care, and my heart would never know

If I make another move there'll be no more turning back

Because everything will change and it all will fade to black

If I make another move, if I take another step

Then it all would fall apart. There'd be nothing of me left

If I'm crying in the wind, if I'm crying in the night

Will there ever be a way? Will my heart return to white?

Can you tell me who you are? Can you tell me where I am?

I've forgotten how to see; I've forgotten if I can

Is I opened up my eyes there'd be no more going back

'Cause I'd throw it all away and it all would fade to black''

''You have a lovely voice nee-san'' Sounded out the girl sitting behind me, brushing my hair and helping me prepare for the mizuage happening today. Mine, of course.

''What is the song called?'' Curious little thing, isn't she.

''Does it matter what it's called?'' I guess you could say that I woke up in a mood. While it is true that I have been waiting for this moment to come for quite some time, the fact of the matter is... I will be letting a complete stranger take my virginity in return for money. If there was a way to make me feel lower than I feel now... Please let me never know of it. But, as always, to move forward sacrifices must be made. And that is exactly what tonight will be, me sacrificing my body's virginity for the sake of my future, for the sake of power.

''That's enough. Help me with the obi.'' There is no point in being overly made up only to ruin it all later. Unlike some of the women here I don't need makeup and jewelry to look beautiful. Some days it can be a curse rather than a blessing, this beauty of mine, but today is the case of the latter. Everyone will know of me by tomorrow day's end. I will be the only male courtesan in Tanzaku city, and for a bit further than that. Everyone will know of my beauty. And seeing as this place was ''blessed'' by the former daimyo, well let's just say that by the time I'm fifteen years old I will be rich enough to buy out my own contract from Saeko-sama. The only question is, where do I go from there?

While I was immersed in my thoughts the girl had finished wrapping the obi around me, leaving me out of breath by how tight it is. That's fine though, it will stop me from blurting out something unsavory to my customer tonight. I hand her the kanzashi pin my mother had gifted me for this special occasion. It was a plain thing but I didn't mind. This was the first thing I had ever received from her, the stingy bitch.

But back to the evil plotting... I had decided to become an informant after a quite logical thought process. What else am I supposed to do with all of this information I hold? It's basically useless if I don't use it. If it's not benefiting me then it's especially so, seeing as I'm planning on never becoming a ninja, my training to be one notwithstanding. Jiraiya, ironically, helped me cement my plan for the future.

He is infamous for being a womanizer, but what not many know is the fact that it is all a means of gathering information. When are men most vulnerable to give away information? Why, when in the throes of passion while fucking a whore, of course. I'm sure I don't need to explain how I'm going to secure my position. I need powerful people to fall for me, to come to me and offer themselves, and everything they know, to me freely. I need to be protected. And this will ensure that I am the most important asset of the most important people. Am I being conceited or setting my expectations too high? I thought as much in the beginning, but as time went by, and I became more and more beautiful... Let's just say that all of my doubts have disappeared once I found out who the man that bought me for tonight is.

It is, quite conveniently, if you ask me, the man that is in charge of the daimyo's guard, not the ninja one though. The twelve guardian ninja don't have that kind of freedom to be caught wandering around brothels. The same could not be said for the samurai rip-offs that are the daimyo's 'normal' guard. But whatever, it's lucky to so quickly have a chance to ensnare someone in a high position. Should I start praying to the beggar-lady as my one deity? Should I be speaking her name in capitals? The Beggar-Lady... Hmmm... I'll come back to that later, it's time for me to go. Wish me luck.

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.

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I am with my guest, Takaharu-sama, in a room that is soon going to be mine to entertain guests in. I'm so special. We are sitting in front of a low Japanese table, with me sitting in a seiza and him sitting like he's completely hammered. Which, mind you, he is. Tee-hee.

It is remarkably easy to manipulate people, just throw a smile here a flutter of lashes there and presto. I shouldn't say that it's too easy though, might jinx myself. Anyway, here we are, me pouring him drink after drink, talking amiably... He's asking such mundane questions, but I couldn't really expect otherwise, my courtesan persona can come off as quite dumb. I'll just say that it works in my favor to have people think of me like that. This one being no different, not even suspecting a thing when I continue to question him about his position, the daimyo and other things one of my profession has no place knowing. We continue like that until, suddenly, he decides it's enough and gets to the point of our gathering.

It was the middle of my sentence when he suddenly reaches over and takes my hand. He looks it over turning it this way and that, rubbing circles in to the palm of my hand with his calloused thumb.

''You know, you are very beautiful Mitsuki.''

I want to reply with an irritating I know, but I refrain and instead just blush and avert my eyes from his heated gaze.

''I have not been in intimate relations for a long time because of the chance that a woman might get pregnant. I am in no position to enter into a marriage, or have a child out of wedlock. It would be an offense to the daimyo. I gave my life to him in a way that I find much harder than just dying in his name in battle. It was by chance that I found out about you, Mitsuki, and I knew that I had to have you. You are my chance to finally feel alive.''

God, all of you men with your long-ass speeches, just get to the point already. Haaa, no choice but to take things into my own hands.

''Do you really think so Takaharu-sama? Then it will be my pleasure to make you feel alive again.'' I say to him as I slowly start unraveling my obi. I untuck one end of it and stand up as it slowly falls from my body, leaving me in the red kimono I wore tonight and the white silk inner robe. Takaharu stands up and with shaking hands starts to slide the kimono off my shoulders. My hand slide down my neck, across my torso and to the belt keeping the inner robe tied closed around me. It too falls down.

* * *

Takaharu's breath suddenly hitches, as if he saw something incredible. He touches my shoulders, his hands barely there, before I get annoyed by his slow process and take his hands into mine and slide them down my body, slowly, sensually.

''You are truly the most beautiful being I have ever seen.'' He says while watching me with wide eyes. It's almost like he is the virgin here, not me. I smile bashfully, my cheekbones rising up and my eyes creasing a bit. I look up at him through my eyelashes and bite the corner of my lower lip in anticipation.

He removes the kanzashi pin from my hair letting it unravel around me like a dark cloak. He starts walking forward slowly, making me back up, and brings me to the futon prepared for this evening. All the while I'm thanking whatever being is responsible for my good luck, Takaharu is surprisingly attractive. His job as a glorified security giving him a toned body and rippling muscles. Yum.

I fall backwards, and he catches me at the last minute, lowering himself over my body like a blanket, all of him touching all of me. He stays like that for a moment. And suddenly he is moving, peppering kisses all over my body, starting from my collar bone and down my belly, hovering for a moment just a bit under my belly button before continuing his path south. He brushes his lips against my inner thigh, putting his hand underneath my knee and lifting my leg up, kissing my foot and all of my toes one by one before moving to the other side. I lay backwards and close my eyes in wonder. In my life before... It had never felt like this. This intimate. He is treating me with such care that I can't help but get aroused. My member hardening as a result. He takes notice, but no action other than to continue his ministrations on my left leg. I find myself growing frustrated and unknowingly let out an annoyed sound.

He chuckles and says ''Impatient, are we?'' This man...

He smiles up at me, bringing his body back up and kissing me on the mouth. It was totally unexpected, and I couldn't stop the gasp that came out. He, seizing the opportunity I gave him, pushes his tongue into my mouth, brushing it over my teeth before massaging my tongue with his.

My hands rise up and over his back, nails dragging a path down. His hand slides away from cupping my chin and starts to unravel his own kimono, though much plainer than mine it is of a better quality, soft to the touch. Seems like he dressed specially for this occasion, don't see samurai wearing silk much. The kimono slides down his back and off of him, revealing his hard member to the warm summer air of the room. I look down and shiver. That's going to be inside me soon. Will it even fit? He sees me looking and smirks, as if to say — Like what you see? And even though he hasn't said it out loud I find myself getting flustered, this time for real.

He brings his hand down catching both of our members in one large hand and rubbing them together. It is at this moment that I realize that this is my first sexual experience of any kind since I have been reborn. My body is incredibly sensitive and as Takaharu continues his ministrations I gasp and throw my head back, my spine unwillingly arching from the pleasure I find myself receiving. He collects the precum leaked from our members with one hand continuing his up and down motions and the other sliding further south and between my cheeks. One finger pokes inside and I find that the sensation is not as horrible as I thought it would be. He continues adding fingers until at one point he decides it is enough preparation and catches my eyes in his unbearably hot gaze as he slowly pushes inside me.

My breath hitches and I shudder. He starts to move. I close my eyes, pushing back against him as he pushes forward, the pace slow, languid. It is as I feel the pressure inside me rising that he speeds up more and more until he is frantically bringing his hips against mine trying to find as much friction as possible. There is a moment where we both stop, breathe in slowly, and as the breath is leaving our lungs our orgasms reach their peak and I find myself moaning loudly, Tomoharu echoing my sentiment. We fall back from our ecstasy and completely relax against one another, his member slowly softening inside me. He looks at me and says ''Five minutes.''

''What?''

''Five minutes is what I give you to recover before we begin round two.''

And sure enough I can feel his member hardening once more. Looks like I'm in for a long night. I find that I don't mind that one bit.

* * *

The next morning I can be found luxuriating in the private onsen, trying to ease the pain in my muscles. I should get used to this feeling, the cause of it is going to be happening more often than not. I hear the cloth covering the opening to the onsen being moved aside, geta sandals clicking against the ground before their wearer slides them off their feet and submerges their body into the place beside me. I turn my head and start. Of all the people that I expected, my mother wasn't one of them. She looks at me from the corner of her eye and smirks haughtily. What is wrong with this woman? Why can't she ever act like a normal mother?

''What's wrong Micchan? Aching in all the right places, huh?''

''You could say that…'' Or not.

''You finally realize what it is that we do here. I always knew that you weren't made for this. It's a good thing you're quitting, it's better that way.''

What the ever loving fuck is she talking about?

''What do you mean, mother? I have no plans of leaving, quite the opposite really, I find that I am quite enjoying myself.''

''You would, you little whore.'' She turns to face me with a snarl on her face.

''Whore? Everyone here is a whore mother. It's our job to be one.''

''You did it on purpose, didn't you? Stealing him from me so that I would suffer. Is this how you thank me for everything that I have done for you?!''

Steal- Oh, I get it. She means Tomoharu. She must have had her eye on him then. But, what's with this jealousy and disdain towards me? I'm quite sure that I didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that we had never had a good relationship but this is a bit too much. She has never been this hostile before.

''Not saying anything, huh? So you admit to stealing him from me.'' She spits out angrily before slapping me so hard my head turned to the side. She picks herself up from the water mumbles something like ''I never should have accepted to be your mother…'' before storming out.

I just stayed there, my head still remaining turned to the side and my cheek stinging something fierce. I think I can even taste blood. I bring my hand to my lip- and yep, she split my lip. The fuck just happened? It surely cannot be anything good. I get out, dress myself quickly and go to search for Saeko-sama. Mother or not, she will regret messing with me. Who does she think she is?

As I storm down the hallways, opening and closing one shoji after another, all of the girls are looking at me in shock. What a sight I must make.

Finally I find Saeko-sama in one of her private tea rooms. I sit down without preamble and declare ''We need to talk.''

* * *

Well... That just happened. What do you think? Please leave a comment and I'll see you next chapter. Byeeee.


	8. 8: The plot should be a winding road

So... It has been a week since I last updated. I won't make any excuses as none are needed, but I feel obligated to share the reason why. I wish it could be something like, Oh I was busy with work, or friends or whatever. The real reason is that I re-watched K-on! Impulsively bought a guitar and am now learning how to play said guitar. Having said that, my fingers hurt like hell and instead of stopping the guitar for a while I just kept practicing. Of course, I was in no mood to be typing up upward of a 1000 words in that condition. So, you're welcome. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

 **Legend: Ochahiki- means something like dried tea leaves, but in this context it means a whore that is not selling, a prostitute without customers, a ... well you get it.**

* * *

It is a relatively nice day, I guess you could say. Omitting the very obvious tension that arose from my forced entry, the weather is nice... And... Oh fuck it, I'm not in the mood for a nice description when all I want to do is rip Seiko's skull open and find for myself the answers I want 'cause she sure as hell ain't giving them to me. Is her tea made with super glue or something? This just means she's waiting for me to start, probably. I'll do so anyway.

''My... mother... She has kindly informed me that she regrets ever agreeing to be my mother. At first, I had thought it was a slip of the tongue, that she misspoke. I had been meaning to talk to you about her behavior towards me and that I will not stand for the abuse anymore, seeing as we've got a pretty equal standing, with her being somewhat of an ochahiki. I went rushing to talk to you about that... But. I gave what she said a more serious consideration, and I realized that that wasn't the first time she has said something of the sort. Regretting being my mother or having to raise and take care of me... It is my opinion that she has done nothing of that sort, but I figured her for that kind of character, I had never been the perfect little innocent child myself.''

Saeko just sat there, sipping her tea quietly, but I could tell that I had her attention, so I just continued on.

''So, like I said, I gave it a thought. What if she actually wasn't my mother, but someone that you, Saeko-sama, appointed the task of pretending to be my mother. The more I thought about it the more it made sense, her behavior towards me I mean. From the very start, since I can remember, she has acted towards me with contempt, looked at me like I'm one of the girls serving her and not her own son. I want you to tell me the truth.''

My voice didn't shake through my whole spiel but I could feel my throat tightening, my eyes having that telltale sting that meant tears are soon to come. It seems like, in this life also, I am not meant to have a mother. Seiko looked at me over the rim of her traditional tea cup, gently set down the said cup in the table in front of her and looked to be deliberating something. Finally, after the long and overly dramatic pause, she said

''And what exactly do you think the truth is?''

I'm seriously getting sick of all the mind games.

''I think that my mother is in fact not my mother.''

''And, who do you think is your mother, Mitsuki?''

She is looking at me with surprisingly gentle eyes. It is comforting to see that someone actually cares. Wait... Cares? She cares about me? Then-

''I think that you might be my mother, Saeko-sama, but due to you not wanting to raise me you gave me to one of your workers that wanted me. Or is it the fact that you were involved with the former daimyo, and I am in fact said daimyo's illegitimate son?''

At this point my thoughts are a complete mess, I don't even know what I'm babbling about but I find myself unable to stop the torrent of words coming out. Saeko is still calmly listening, assessing my state.

''I'm sure then that this will come as no surprise then Mitsuki, but I am-'' What, wait what? Is she seriously about to- ''Not your mother.'' Troll. She is just a troll.

''Then what? Am I to believe that one day I just appeared here?''

''Actually, that may be closest to the truth.''

No way, it's one thing being reborn but... Being de-aged and thrown into a completely different dimension is insane.

''Then, Saeko-sama, if you would be so kind to enlighten me with the actual truth.''

''Watch your tongue boy, I understand that you are upset but that still doesn't give you the right to talk to me like that. If you would shut up and listen, I will tell you everything.''

And she did. We sat there for what must be hours, just talking. Long story short- I was found on the street by a homeless woman. She brought me to the brothel and gave me to Saeko-sama in exchange for money, basically she sold me. My m- Chihiro-san had a stillbirth, and so when she found out about me she requested that she be the one to take care of me. Her stillborn child had been a girl. The father was a samurai. My name was given to me by the woman that found me, she said that i was quiet and didn't cry at all even though it was very cold, an early spring day. It was only thanks to the light of the full moon that she saw me at all, bundled up in a ratty blanket and stuffed into a corner of an alley that she was planning to sleep in. My conclusion, the beggar lady from my previous life had her revenge. She got her money in the end, I guess. The only question now is- ''Where does that leave me? What am I supposed to do now?''

''What do you mean? Just continue like you were, collecting your little spies, and exchanging information for food on the streets.'' Wha? How could- fuck. I'm fucked.

''But don't worry, I won't meddle with your business. As long as you don't forget me in your climb to fame, of course.''

That woman is evil, I swear.

As I got up to leave Saeko waved her hand for me to sit back down. I do, looking at her for the reason.

''Just one more thing Micchan. It's actually good that you came to talk to me, I was planning on calling for you anyway.''

''What is it, Saeko-sama?''

She gets up, walk to a cupboard sitting snugly in the corner of the room. She opens it up and takes out some papers. She comes back to the table and sits down gracefully, spine straight and legs neatly folded underneath her. She hands me the papers.

''What is this?'' I ask as I look them over. Wait- this paper-no way!?

''You're free, Mitsuki.''

''What do you mean I'm free, this, is it because I found out about-''

''No. It is your first are aware that he is a man in a high position. A position in which he earns a considerable amount of money. He was so kind as to pay off your whole debt to me. You should be thankful, he bought you your freedom.''

''What?'' It seems as though I am full of witty comebacks today.

''You can collect your things and leave whenever you want. But remember that your stay here is no longer free. I have a business to run after all. You're dismissed.''

It is with those words that I slowly get up and numbly leave the room. What just happened? I'm free? Like, I can leave right now and no one will be able to stop me, and no one will come after me for leaving? Hahahahahahaha! This is amazing! I can finally... Finally... What am I going to do now? I hadn't planned on this happening so soon... I need to find a place to live. Where will I even go? Konoha? Probably the best place to start my business, seeing as most of the information I have about the Naruto world revolves, obviously, around Naruto. Who is in Konoha. Has he even been born yet? Wait... What year am I in? What's the name of the current Hokage? If it's Hiruzen, is it before or after the Fourth? So many questions... I guess the only way to find the real answers is to go to the source. Konoha it is.

It is very convenient that the day after, I find Jiraiya attending a tea ceremony with my not-mother whom I came to visit with the intention to say goodbye.

It is also convenient that he is traveling back to Konoha and that he has agreed to escort me there, no payment needed.

It is the day after that I am on the road to Konoha. Jiraiya so kindly sealed my possessions in a scroll which he is carrying in one of his many pockets. He is of the belief that I am a woman. Who am I to deny him the pleasure of doing everything for me? And so, I don't mention my mistaken gender. After a long week of beating Jiraiya's advances off with a stick, I can see the gate of Konoha growing larger before my eyes.

We have arrived. Beware world, for you have no idea what is waiting for you once I come. A new adventure begins, and this time I am in the lead.

Beggar-lady eat your heart out.

* * *

And so, our story begins. For reals this time. See you as soon as my fingers stop hurting enough for me to write more, hopefully it is soon. Tell me what you think in the comments, what a plot twist huh? (Not really...) Peace!


	9. 9: The line of time actually exists

Heeey~ Sup? I'm good, thanks for asking. Anyway, here's the next chapter, it's kinda filler-y, but I felt it needed to be like that. Hope you enjoy it anyway.

 **Legend: nothing this time. Enjoy knowing the meaning of every word in this chapter.**

Posting for the second time beacause fuck you online spell check for screwing me over. Funny thing Hanzo the salamander was corrected to Heinz the Salamander... He makes the best ketchup, like seriously.

* * *

"So, little missy, what's the plan?" Jiraiya spoke out as we reached the gate. We were bypassing the line of civilians and going straight to the little booth where two chuunin sat. I couldn't help but notice that it didn't contain Izumo and Kotetsu... That actually says a lot about the timeline. Jiraiya seems to be overly acquainted with the entry process, so I ll just let him handle that. I hand him my traveling documentation.

''Well... I was thinking I should go and meet the Hokage. I was thinking along the way on what I should do from now on and I came to the idea of opening up a tea shop, with a special room for tea ceremonies of course, it is one of my specialties.''

''Is that so? Well you came to the right place, then. We can go straight to the Hokage and get you signed up in the civilian register and you can submit the documents for the permit for your tea shop.''

''That would be great, Jiraiya-sama.'' I look up at him with a smile. Thanks to this oaf I won't have to wait days, or even months, just to get an audience with the Hokage. What tea house? You might be asking yourself right about now. Well... I do need a cover for my business. The thing is, when Saeko said that my debt was paid in full, she meant that all of my previous payments are returned to me, that, along with the money I earned on the side, leaves me with quite a lot of money actually. Lucky.

So, I'm perfectly capable of buying a place and turning it into what I need. I could have my own fancy place tea house. I would, of course, use the knowledge from my previous life in terms of desserts and teas, that will attract customers and spread the word about me. This is important because I intend not to be in Konoha more then I have to. My shop will be located just outside Konoha, on a well traveled and popular road that civilians and ninja alike frequent. That way I can have customers of all sorts, for both of my businesses.

By this point Jiraiya has already passed one long line of people, and is leading me to the other. The Hokage tower. As Jiraiya is talking my previous suspicions are confirmed as I look up at the Hokage mountain. There are three heads carved there, with the current Hokage being Sarutobi Hiruzen. This also works in my favor because most of my knowledge is of the following years. Also lucky.

We are taking the winding stairs that go up and around the red and white beehive wannabe. As soon as we enter Jiraiya is throwing hello's out like candy. At this point he's really popular. You see, despite my freakout earlier, I do actually have a sense of the time and place things are happening right now, I had it since I first saw Jiraiya in the hall in front of my not-mothers room. Just the fact that things were going outside of my expectations threw me for a loop, and I panicked. I began to doubt my knowledge. But I came to, the sole fact that my mother wasn't Chihiro but someone else shouldn't be that important in the whole scheme of things. Same for me leaving the brothel earlier then planned.

On the day that I saw Jiraiya, judging by his hair length, the lack of age shown in his face, his exuberance... This all means that the Jiraiya that I met on that day was the Jiraiya before he became one of the sannin, before he faced off against Hanzo the Salamander. It turns out he hasn't even begun the whore intel gathering thing. I'm stealing his idea and copyrighting it to my name.

And now is obviously after that, the war is over, the second one that is, more are to come. This means that Sakumo has committed suicide, Kakashi is on a team with Obito and Rin with Minato as their sensei. Soon enough the third war will come, and the whole shebang of Obito giving his eye to Kakashi and him killing the bijuu possessed Rin... I definitely wont be in Konoha for that. This means that Kakashi is like, six years old. It also means that the war will start in maybe a year, if I'm lucky.

Sooner if I'm not. It will last for like two years, after that Minato is promoted to Hokage, Naruto is born and then the whole Kyuubi deal. God, I so do not want to be in Konoha right now, but it is the safest place when considering security... Maybe I should hold off building my tea house business until after the Kyuubi destroys most of Konoha. Yeah, maybe...

We are waiting for the secretary to announce our presence to the Hokage. It reminds me of going to see my principle in high school. I'm withholding information that may very well save thousands of lives. But, giving that away doesn't work in my favor. If I change things too soon all of my knowledge may become obsolete. But the fact that the third war has not even begun yet... It means my plans will have to wait. But I already told Jiraiya of my plans to start the tea house business, that may have been a mistake... But I ll figure it out, like immediately, we have just entered the Hokage office.

Said Hokage is still looking at the papers laid out in front of him. We are left to stand there as-

"Hey old man! I'm back!" ...Or not.

"Yes Jiraiya, I can see that."

"I wonder how since you haven't actually raised your head since we came in."

At that the Hokage raised his head and with a raised eyebrow asked "We?"

"Yeah, we. This is Mitsuki-chan. She want's to live in Konoha so I brought her here."

I can see the Hokage heaving a big sigh at that. Looks like we trampled all over the usual protocol. Oh well.

"It is is a pleasure to make your acquaintance Hokage-sama, I am Mitsuki of Tanzaku." I introduce myself while giving a deep bow to the Hokage. As I straighten out I can see him looking skeptically at me, and then at Jiraiya, back and forth a couple of times before asking

"Please don't be offended by my asking Mitsuki-chan, but are you pregnant?"

I can see Jiraiya doing a double take before trying to stutter out an answer to that. I beat him to it.

"No, Hokage-sama, I... am unable to have a child." Because I'm a dude.

"I see. Then what is your purpose of being here?"

"I came to Konoha to have a better life, Hokage-sama. I also believe that I will be safer here than I was in Tanzaku town. I also... I have wanted to open a tea shop. I know that that will need a lot of work and money, and it will take time, but I am prepared to work for my dream Hokage-sama." That's right, I'm spewing your will of fire bullshit right back at ya. Can you deny a pretty lady her dream?

"Hmm, I see... " He must see really well for his age.

"Very well then. You can take the required forms from my secretary out front and bring them filled out to me on Wednesday at 11 o'clock."

"Thank you very much Hokage sama!"

"Welcome to Konoha, Mitsuki-chan."

"Yes!"

That actually went rather well, I think. I bow to the Hokage again, and once to Jiraiya, and promptly get my ass out. I have an apartment to hunt.

I greet the secretary, asking her for the forms I need to fill out.

"I'm sorry miss, but do you think you can help me with one more thing?"

"Of course dear, what is it?"

"Well, I'm actually looking for an apartment, but I don't know where to even start..."

I make sure to arrange my face to look pitiful.

"Oh dear! Why didn't you say so!" I just did. "Here you go. This here has all the listings for the available apartments, their location and price range. If you get lost be sure to ask for help! You're going to be a citizen of Konoha soon, we treat our people really well."

"Oh thank you so much! You have been a great help to me."

"No problem dear. Be sure to come say hi when you come in on Wednesday."

"Of course. Bye~!"

Social interactions drain me off my will to live sometimes... I think I just got cavities with how obnoxiously sweet I was being, but never mind, I got what I needed. Time to go hunting.

As I walk around Konoha I see just how many people are here, all milling about, no face looking different to me. Until I see a blur on the rooftops. If I wasn't also able to do that I would probably be cursing them. I mean, is roofhopping awesome or what? And-oh! Here's the first prospective apartment.

Near the center, large building so I'll have many snoopy neighbors, but also looks a bit high end, the price too.

Next, I decide as I continue my trek closer to the walls. More ninja are going to be living there. That might be a good or a bad thing, depends on how I play it. But all in all, there are probably more benefits than not. So ninja dwellings it is.

After a 15 minute walk I arrive at the next location. Now, this is what I'm talking about. A park close by, local shops, ninja roofhopping all over the place, smaller buildings-less neighbors. Let's go and meet the landlord.

.

.

.

So... I got the apartment. It's nice, not really big, and relatively cheap. I also got a discount on the account of me being a young girl living all alone, boo hoo.

The good thing about this place is that both my neighbors are ninja, that way I can already start building my network of information. Without them knowing anything about it, of course.

Time to unpack then, and go eat something, I'm starving. After that buy furniture, maybe paint the walls a different color, buy tea sets... Hmm, I kinda feel like a bachelor in his first apartment. It's kind of nice, being normal for a change. If this wasn't the world of Naruto it would probably be an everyday thing... But since it is, it just means that I have to get all the mundane things done and over with as soon as possible, and get on with the plan. I've been thinking of studying fuuinjutsu on the side, I also need to secretly practice what shishou taught me. It won't do to get out of shape.

Haaa... Looks like my life is about to get a lot busier. But that's okay though, monotony is a killer, I might be a normal person in this abnormal world but that doesn't mean that I won't come out on top in the end. I just need to play the game right, and making everyone think of me as that cute girl doing tea ceremonies and chatting up the cute ninja boys... Well, it's just the first step of many.

* * *

Is it too bland? I don't know... I'll try and make the next chapter the bomb, and **spoiler alert:** we're meeting Kakashi! yaaay.


	10. 10: Wonderland

Ok... This took an unexpected turn. Mostly because I am in a ruminating over the bad parts of my life, it's also almost the anniversary of my dad's death so I always get kinda depressed and gloomy, things like that. It affected this chapter immensely, seeing as this chapter was supposed to be light and fluffy with a cute meeting with Kakashi and his team. The furniture plot went up in flames... And this is what I got. Enjoy? I guess...

Also, I have been planning to dedicate this chapter to ryuusakiuchiha who has been supporting this story every chapter, and who has been my motivator to publish a chapter that I have been stuck on, but... I'll do that on a less depressive chapter, K hon?

 **Warning: drugging, non-explicit rape, kinda kidnapping but not really... So anyone triggered, I didn't bother sectioning the story as I feel it ruins the flow.**

* * *

''You make me wanna die.'' I proclaim looking at all of the clothes still left to sort. I may have been in the brothel for only a short time, and a courtesan for even shorter, but that doesn't mean I never received gifts. Quite the opposite actually, I often received more than the courtesan I was assisting. It did make them oh so jealous, I would be lying if I said that I didn't derive sick pleasure from seeing their constipated faces while they watched me open present after present, elaborate kimono, expensive jewelry, imported tea sets... I have them all, and now, I've come to realize, I have too much. Where am i supposed to put all of this shit? I only have one closet...

And so came the decision to buy even more furniture... At this rate I just might go broke. But it's ok, I'll just go and do a little ''R&R'' with a customer and problem solved. Anyway, let's go shopping!

It is only a week later that my furniture is ready to be delivered. It is there that I have run into a problem, the shop, weirdly, doesn't do deliveries, and as such I am obligated to hire someone to do that for me. Who better to carry around heavy objects than a ninja? And so, after I had put on a lovely kimono and just a bit of red lipstick, a dab of perfume behind my ears and on my wrists I was ready to go, the scent of orange blossoms trailing behind me.

I'm off to see the Hokage of Konoha, the Hokage of Konoha, the Hokage of Konoha... Hmmm... Doesn't work as well.

As I walk down the street people are waving at me, some stop to greet me, others just shoot a smile across the dirt path. I have been here, in Konoha, for about half a month now, and boy time sure flies. The people here already know me as the kind nee-san, since I always stop to help old ladies cross the road, or play with the kids in the park near my apartment, always seen with a smile on my face... It's all part of the plan actually. The more people like me the more they will talk about me to others, the more they will be on my side if anything goes wrong and the more willing they will be to help me out in a pinch. Not even starting on the fact that I invite people over for tea and snacks all the time. Including the not so cleverly disguised ANBU that are in charge of seeing if all the information I've given the Hokage about me checks out, since they can apparently sense when somebody has worked on their chakra, and isn't as ordinary as they seem, not that I would ever call myself ordinary, but... We're getting off topic here. We're off to see the Hokage. The Hokage of Oz.

Everything is, as always, busy in the beehive. The Hokage tower always gets the most people going to and fro doing their own thing, or whatever it is that they have come to do. Despite my subpar singing about the fact that I'm going to see the Hokage, I'm not even gonna be in the same room as him. The Hokage tower is much like a government operated facility where public workers offer a plethora of services such as creating an ID, opening businesses, requesting a mission and etc. It is the last one, obviously, that I am here to do today. Like everything else in this godforsaken building to make a request for a mission you first have to wait in line. And wait, and wait, and wait. When that is finished and you fill out a form detailing the mission parameters such as rank and the thing you actually want done you then have to wait in another line to pay for said mission, once it has been approved by the ''paperwork chuunin'' as they call them.

Luckily for me I never have to wait much. The guys have no trouble letting me ahead for most things, this being no exception, makes doing grocery shopping a breeze too. With that done, and the mission waiting for a ninja to be assigned to, I'm off to do my other ''chores''. I have to get more ingredients for the red velvet cake I was planning to make so i can *cough*coerce*cough* the ninja next door to do some light recon for me in the shadier parts of the village, all in the guise of me looking for my younger sibling or whatever seems to tug at his strings, we'll see. You might be thinking that it can't be that easy to fool a ninja, and it's not. I have been working on this one since I have moved here, not to mention that the ninja in question is a jounin. But, I also have ninja training, don't forget. Shishou has, amongst other things, trained me in poisons. I have been slipping that fool a little bit of aphrodisiac in every cup of tea he drank, a miniscule amount really, practically undetectable, unless you were an Inuzuka or something of the sort. And finally, after three weeks of trying I have come to the point where he let's down his guard around me. All that is left to do is sleep with him, and then comes the part where he will do something for me, a favor. That's the whole point. Why do I have to sleep with him, and not something else you ask? He's hot and I'm horny. Reason enough.

Tatsumi-san is fresh from a mission. I can see it in the way he is uncomfortably shifting every couple of minutes. He must be injured or something. So I decide to ask, since he seems content in being boring and creepily watching me when he thinks I don't notice.

''So... Tatsumi-san, have you been on any exciting missions lately?'' I make sure to act like a ditzy civilian girl.

''Yes, I have actually. This last one I have been on was quite... interesting.''

''Oh? Can you tell me something about it? You don't have to mention details or names or anything, just... What is it that you found interesting?''

''I was in Suna. I saw a woman that looked remarkably alike yourself.''

What?

''Like me?''

''Yes. And when I approached her about it, to ask if she has any connection to you, she said that it was a henge of a courtesan she saw in Tanzaku city of the Fire country. Said his name was Mitsuki, that he was more beautiful than the moon itself, and that it was the reason she uses his face to help her sell wares.''

The fuck is happening right now? This is way to suspicious for my liking, Im getting the feeling like this is going to go to hell, and fast. Now, how to get out of this situation?

''Oh, is that so?''

''Yes.. And, this got me thinking. About you of course, Mitsuki from Tanzaku. You who has been trying to poison me... Or whatever it is you were trying to do and thought I didn't notice. Did you think I became a jounin by luck? Huh, Mitsuki-chan?''

At this point I start to notice my tongue going numb in my mouth, slowly spreading until I can no longer utter a word. Going down my body like a swarm of flies is the tingling sensation of my limbs falling asleep and me being unable to do anything about it. It terrifies me. It terrifies me even more that I can't even call for help, I can only move my my eyes to track Tatsumi's body as he comes next to me and places my head in his lap. I try to communicate with my eyes a message to release me, that it isn't what he thinks. It's true that I was slipping the aphrodisiac in his tea, but it is nothing poisonous, what more, it is even pleasant. Surely, even though it was an underhanded tactic it doesn't deserve me being killed over it.

He starts to run his fingers through my hair, taking out the decorations I have put in it.

''As it turns out, that woman was selling paralytic toxins. And I thought to myself, what better way to get back at you than to fight fire with fire. So I used your tactic and put some of it into your cup, Mitsuki.''

Fuckfuckfuckfuck How did I not notice? Am I so fucking sure of myself that I completely let my guard down?!

I can hear him whispering to himself 'so pretty, so pretty, so beautiful, and mine, become mine, be mine'

And it leaves a feeling of dread inside me. A deep coiling sensation that is crawling up my gut and blocking my airways. It suffocates me, leaves me breathless and full of air in one quick inhale. It makes me almost choke on it, that little black shadow possessing my mind saying : This is your fault, you deserve this.

Tastumi starts to remove my clothes slowly and my thoughts make a screeching halt. This... This isn't what someone who want's to kill you does. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but at least I get to live. I think.

''You are so beautiful, so pure.'' He whispers as he runs a hand down my bare body. It leaves me shivering even though I can't feel anything. I know with an unyielding certainty that he is going to rape me. He doesn't seem so good looking anymore. I can see a disturbing glint in his eyes, shining brightly in the dimming light of my tea room.

He picks me up in his arms, carrying me bridal style to my bedroom. It doesn't escape my notice that he knows where that is even though I have never showed him. He places me gently on my bed and leaves the room, throwing an ''I'll be back soon.'' over his shoulder.

I have no idea what to do. While I can't deny that I somewhat instigated this, it can't be all there is to it. This guy's a full on psychopath. Sociopath... whatever. I just know that there is no way of me getting out of this unscathed. If I get out of this at all. With a startling thought I realize... I can't speak, but I can scream. But I can't just act on an impulse. No, no, I have to be really smart about this, don't waste a chance. If I scream now and no one hears it... i have wasted what might be the only chance I have to escape this maniac. God, how did I not notice this?

At the corner of my eye I can see his shadowy form come closer. In his hands are ropes, he must have gone to his apartment, which is oh so conveniently right next to mine. He stars tying me up, binding my arms and legs with lengths of rope and attaching it to the head and foot of my freshly installed bed frame, gilded with flowers.

He's talking to me in a quiet whispering voice, barely intelligible. He tells me of a sister he once had, a sister that was a kunoichi.

''She was so so so beautiful. She was everything I had. I was everything she had. Our parents bailed when Kyoko was four, I was six. We both became shinobi, we had to pay the bills somehow, didn't we? But... but she was too beautiful you see. She always got these 'information gathering' missions, thy call them. It's just prostitution of a different name, isn't it? You would know all about it though, wouldn't you Mitsuki? Wouldn't you? Answer me!''

He yells getting up in my face, looking at me with those crazed eyes of his. I answer as best as I can, mumbling out a few unintelligible syllables but he seems to accept it.

He starts caressing my face, gently rubbing my cheeks with a smile on his face, strangely content and peaceful. Happy.

''She died. Or better said, she was killed. Raped by the man she was supposed to gather the information from and then stabbed in the stomach. Twenty-eight times. Precisely''

This must be some divine being's punishment for me. If this is a sign that I shouldn't be doing what I planned on doing... Well message received, If I could be let go now? Please?

''You really look like her. Dark hair, bright amber eyes, light porcelain skin-almost transparent. So delicate and pure. And mine. She was mine and they took her from me.''

Creep. This guy is a total creep. Sister-fucker. God why do I attract weirdos?

''But you can be mine now. I just have to teach you how to listen. Just listen to what I tell you and everything will be alright. ''

He takes out a red scarf from one of his pockets and stuffs it in my mouth. I try to beg him with my eyes not to do this but he seems to take it as an invitation. He leaves burning kisses down my body, his hands following the trail. I can imagine my skin peeling off from his touch, the pain imaginary, but also quite real. My breath leaves me in pants as I try and gather strength to just, just get through the night. Get into the mindset of a courtesan. Yes.

And I do. I keep my mind locked away as my body moves violently from the motion of him pushing himself in uninvited and unwanted. I don't cry. I don't scream. I am empty until he empties himself inside me, and I am empty as he leaves with a promise on his lips of coming back soon.

It is night. No light is illuminating my room, no windows are letting in light. It is just me and the darkness. Just me and my thoughts. Until it isn't.

The next morning, and I know it's morning by the strip of sunshine breaking through the paper on my shoji door, I am no longer alone.

I can feel someone at the front door, their chakra hovering around for a moment before three more signatures join it. It is not a minute past that that I hear knocking.

It... I want to say that this has been my plan all along, but I'd be lying.

It is the ninja I hired for moving the new furniture, they were supposed to be here some hours ago, judging by the movement of the sun... Since it's about the only thing I can see, I have been following it's path since sunrise.

They shout out ''Hello! Is someone there? We're the ninja you hired to move the furniture.''

I try with my all to shout as loud as I can but all that is coming out is that pathetic struggling sound of kidnap victims from movies with like... Bruce Willis. I then try and flare my chakra. I have never tried it before but... It's not something I have the option to fail at, at the moment.

In a moments time I can hear them stop knocking, and a shadow of doubt comes slithering into my thoughts, what if they left?

But then I hear them breaking down the front door, their voice searching for me, and finally finding me. In my bedroom, tied with thick ropes to the bed frame. Naked. Hurt. Alone.

I don't want to cry, but I do so anyway. My rescuers bright blonde hair shines like a halo from the light of the sun sprawling behind him, and it is not until I am cut loose and tucked into a blanket that I begin to realize who my rescuer is. And it is not until his three little minions come bounding into the room their faces so familiar yet foreign at the same time, that I realize. I have been rescued by team Minato. Who have come to help me move furniture. In a world that is supposed to be imaginary. The world in which I have been reborn in. And I cant help but burst into a crying laugh at my situation, despite the strange looks it is earning me I feel finally released, free. I finally feel like I am no longer in a dream, or a fake reality. It seems Wonderland is my home now.

How is this my life?

* * *

So... R&R maybe? Idk...


	11. 11: Things that go fluff in the night

I have been getting so much more support for this story than I have been honestly expecting, so thank you everyone who reviewed, favorited or followed. Really thanks so much. And in honor of that, here's the next chapter, a bit quicker this time. Enjoy :)

* * *

I can feel the black eyes boring into my skull. The person the stare is coming from is unexpectedly and undeniably adorable, in a way only chibis can manage to be. Sitting next to me is a chibified Kakashi. Well, not really, he actually _is_ a kid, but it's so strange to see him this young, younger than me even. I am, or was, so used to seeing the laid-back sensei of team seven that when I first saw him I was a bit taken aback by his appearance. I was aware that I am in the time when he is young, but it's one thing to know that and a whole other to actually witness it with my own two eyes. As it turns out, I have to use every ounce of my willpower to abstain from pinching his cheeks and talking in that incredibly annoying way that people tend to do when faced with small animals and babies. In my defense though, Kakashi is like a two-in-one deal, he is like a puppy- all bark and no bite.

We are currently waiting in front of the Hokage's office, waiting to be called in while Minato debriefs about the situation he stumbled upon while reporting for an ordinary mission that moving my furniture was supposed to be. I did get my furniture moved though, Obito and Rin went to do that while Kashi-chan stayed to keep an eye on me, just in case.

''You can come in now, Mitsuki-san.'' Announced Minato's sunny yellow head poking out of the door in front of me. I get up, brushing off any invisible dust settled on the plain kimono I had thrown on in my haste to just get dressed, and entered through the space Minato left me by opening the door just wide enough for me to pass, Kakashi following behind me.

I see the Hokage sitting at his desk, a smoking pipe polluting the air of the office with it's heavy tobacco smell, the smoke coiling lazily over his head. He seems distracted, contemplating, but still incredibly aware of anything going on around him. I bow low and greet him ''Hokage-sama'' he returns it with a brief incline of his head before settling a grandfatherly look on his face.

''Mitsuki-san'' he starts of gently, probably trying not to upset me. I don't feel nervous, or upset though, is that how I seem to him? It must be, his attitude towards me is vastly different then when I first met him when I came to Konoha with Jiraiya. I wonder if it's because of the circumstances of our current meeting, or the fact that I'm actually a citizen of Konoha now.

''What you have gone through... It is no small matter, and the man responsible for this will be punished for his actions, this I promise to you. I pride myself on the fact that Konoha is known for it's kindness, I am also aware that the reason you came here was to be kept safe from things exactly of this nature. I am very sorry that you were hurt. But... I feel that I must inform you that Tatsumi-san, the one you reported as the perpetrator, is not actually the one who did this to you.''

''Are you calling me a liar?'' The words came unbidden from my mouth, an unknown tension woven in them. I realize now that I must have been holding everything in, pushing down and pretending that I'm fine. When did I get so good at deceiving myself?

''No, that is certainly not the case. We did a bit of digging, and as it turns out the man that presented himself to you as Tatsumi-san is not who he said he was, rather, he is someone masquerading as him, Tatsumi the jounin has been MIA for quite some time now, though not everyone is aware of this fact, and that is mostly the reason why no one suspected anything. The other reason being, that the man posing as Tatsumi-san must have a sort of masking ability. His apartment was searched, thoroughly. And even though his things are still there, and it is obvious someone has been living there for some time but no scent could be found and no chakra residue could be sensed. It's almost like a ghost has been living there.''

''What? Are you trying to tell me someone infiltrated Konoha and, what? Just decided that I would look better as a rape victim?!'' My panic was mounting, my breath coming out faster than intended. I was angry, and rightfully so. What kind of bad-crime-novel shit is this?

''The actual Tatsumi-san went missing after going on a search for his sister's killer. We have reason to think that it might actually be the person Tatsumi-san was hunting down that was impersonating him, but we cannot be sure because, like I said- no obvious way to track him has been found. Now... You said that he promised to come back?''

''Yes... He did.''

''I understand if you are not willing to subject yourself to this, but.. The easiest way to find him would be if he came back for you.''

''You mean you want to use me as bait.''

''Yes.''

''Is that the best way to insure that he will be caught?''

''Yes.''

''Then fine. Do what you must, but make sure to catch him.''

''Of course. You have my word you will be safe this time, Mitsuki-san.''

Yeah... This time.

* * *

Little Kashi-chan has been posted as my seemingly unassuming guard. I am arranging my delivered furniture, and filling up the closets with my surplus of things I don't use but refuse to throw away. I might need them someday.

A whole day has passed since the... incident, and I have still not stepped a foot into my bedroom, and have instead been sleeping on a futon in my living room. But today, I have decided, I will go there. And throw everything in that room out. Everything. I just need Kashi-chan to come down from the roof across my apartment building and help me by doing everything for me while I watch. I am not demeaning myself by dragging the bed out, he's the ninja, he can do it. We can even call it training if it helps him sleep at night.

It is only after several hours of scrubbing the floors and installing a new bed and closet that I am satisfied. I make some lemon biscuits and green tea and call Kakashi to sit with me. Just for a bit, so he can rest of course. And, despite his trying to convince me that he doesn't need rest, I can see the twinkling curiosity in those cute dark eyes of his. So he does, sit with me and eat the biscuits. Not keep me company because I'm scared.

''So, Kashi-chan-''

''Don't call me that.''

''How old are you?''

I am having trouble keeping my smile at bay at his offended look.

''I am a chuunin and I am perfectly capable of guarding you, Mitsuki-san.''

''Call me nee-san.'' That one leaves him sputtering for a reply, the reason being that he accidentally saw little Mitsuki yesterday and is quite aware of my gender. More so than me, it seems. I have long passed the outrage, denial and embarrassment at being confused for a girl. I prefer it now, even. It sure makes some things easier.

''And I have no doubt of your capabilities, Kashi-chan, that isn't why I asked you though.'' And I'm certainly not telling him that it's because I'm using him as a reference point to figure out the beginning of the third war.

''I'm nine.'' Oh? I thought he was younger... But he is supposed to be the same age as Obito and Rin, so I suppose that makes sense. This also means that I have less than a year until the war begins. Well that sucks.

''You seem angry at the fact.''

''A lot of people think that I don't deserve my rank because I'm so young. That I got it because of my dad.''

''That's not true though, is it? It seems like you worked hard to get where you are.'' It is a bit strange to have Kakashi open up like this to me, but it seems my predicament has made him a bit wary of hurting me, or my feelings. He did, after all, see me in all of my after-rape glory. Bruised and cut up, tied to the bed with rope burns marring my wrists and ankles. A gag in my mouth absorbing all my tears and screams... I would be more surprised if it left him indifferent.

''Yeah...'' The answer is whispered behind a bite of a lemon biscuit. I take a sip of my tea and decide to be honest for once.

''I like you, Kashi-chan.'' This causes him to almost choke on the biscuit, and as he is coughing I realize that his mask has been off this entire time. Huh.

''I know that your family... Anyway, I don't have my mom and dad, never have, but I did have a lot of sisters growing up. I kinda feel alone, now that none of them are with me, even though they used to annoy me so much... What I'm trying to say is, after all of this is over, If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, or even just someone to keep you company over tea, I would like it very much if you came to me.''

He is looking me straight in the eyes as if to unearth the truth from them, and I try my best to assure him that I don't want to hurt him, ever.

Kakashi has always been my favorite character. But. This, as I am quite aware now, is reality. And Kakashi has already suffered so much. Will continue to suffer. I am actually able to do more than yell at the screen this time, and I will try everything I can to be there for him.

His answer is quiet. Timid and subdued. ''I would like that.''

That day was spent soaking in the warmth of the sun creeping through the large window in my living room, drinking tea, eating biscuits, and Kakashi listening to my stories of how I grew up with my thirty sisters. It was nice, it was warm, and the most important thing- it was the start of something great.

* * *

A week after that and there was still no sign of the pedo-creep. It's almost like he was never there. The Hokage decided to relieve Kakashi from his guarding duties and just told me to call for help the second I feel that I am in danger.

Kakashi, who has unexpectedly quickly warmed up to me, has been adamant that that isn't enough, though, and called in Kushina to place a couple of seals to protect and ward my apartment. It was some next level shit, that, and it reminded me of the fact that I have been wanting to start learning fuuinjutsu. After asking Kushina about it, and finding out that that isn't something one just easily learns, but that if I am still interested after the explanation, she gave me instructions on where to start. Which is calligraphy. Or, in my case, more calligraphy. Which sucks because, hello, I have been studying calligraphy for years and it still isn't enough?

The answer had been a laughed-out ''No.''

Also. Kushina is like freaking awesome. Just putting it out there. And Minato is soooo whipped, it's a wonder no one knew Minato was Naruto's father but they knew his mother was an Uzumaki. Kushina is like, the only Uzumaki we have. How stupid can you get?

* * *

The week after that you can almost always find me with a brush in hand, ink stained fingers stroking careful lines of kanji one after the other. At this point I have filled up six notebooks worth of calligraphy. Kakashi is using them as a prop on the kitchen chair designated as his so he can reach everything on the table without having to stretch to his limits. Speaking of him, he has been coming almost every day, and by now expecting his company I have started making breakfast and lunch with his preferences in mind. Dessert and tea is also always available, and because of that fact Kushina can be seen popping up in my apartment once in a while, checking on my progress and munching on whatever is on the table that day. According to her I am a dessert god. I wouldn't go that far, but... I kind of am.

Following Kushina around like a lost duckling is Minato and his sunshine and sparkles grin.

It's kind of like a mismatched family, and I was finally starting to feel like I belong without having to find reasons to martyr myself to save the world. They liked me as me. Not as someone knowledgeable or someone that has something they need. I felt wanted, appreciated.

So of course, that is when something has to ruin it.

It is Friday night, and unlike the rest of the nights recently, I am alone. It is as I am cleaning up the dishes that I feel something approaching the barrier.

The Bill Cosby copycat is back. And my not-yet-copycat-ninja isn't.

Fuck.


	12. 12: Doing it Rapunzel style

This chapter is something that doesn't make much sense to me so I don't expect it to make much sense to you either. I just had time to kill at work and seeing the word file for my story sitting innocently on my desktop... Well, you get the idea. Idk, enjoy, and hope for more sensible chapters in the future?

* * *

It's not that I don't know how to fight, I got that pretty much beaten into me by shishou, it is more the case that I am unable to fight... so to say. It is a fear that I have never known before, never expected to feel. This bone gripping sensation, like it is reaching past my soft outer shell and grasping my very bones and beyond that- my very essence. It is not often that I admit that I am afraid, but it is also not often that I have reason to be.

Don't be mistaken though. It is not that I am afraid for myself, or afraid of him... I am afraid of my thoughts, of what my actions would be if I gave into that fear, let it run it's course through me, devouring every sane thought and turning me into a killer, a murderer. I don't want that, not for myself, not after feeling it on my skin- the act of being murdered. The feeling of my blood slowly vacating my body like it is not worth anymore. Unworthy of living. That is the message that comes across. Who am I to decide that? To play God...

But, oh how I want to. I can feel him brushing against the fuuinjutsu barrier Kushina has put up, feel him searching for a way in. I am standing almost paralyzed, glued to my spot above the kitchen sink, the large kitchen knife I was washing shaking in my tightly clenched fist, knuckles so white they are transparent. On the reflection of the recently sharpened knife I can see my fear. A manic grin stretching across my face, distorting it, but curiously not diminishing the beauty of it. It is strange. Strange that I need so much effort to restrain myself. Where is this coming from? Is it even me, or have I been possessed by an evil spirit seeking revenge? Maybe I have, maybe it is the sister brutally raped and killed come back from the other world to do through me what she couldn't do herself. Maybe...

What I am certain of though is that if Tatsumi, or whoever it may be, breaks through and comes inside my restrain will snap and I will become the very thing I don't want to be. I can't find it in myself to care though. My thoughts running rampant on all the ways I can hurt him, punish him, defile him and end him. Unworthy of living... He is unworthy. Of being in this world, of taking another breath with those filthy lips, the same ones that traced a burning trail across my body. How I hoped he felt the burn same as I did.

My gaze turns to the cooking oil sat on the counter top. I could burn him alive...

No! Get a grip Mitsuki.

I should send a distress signal, is what I should do. What is it that Kushina said? Something about the seals taped to my door and activating the sequence, something about my chakra completing the circuit and activating the corresponding seal in her possession. Yes... That's what I should do.

I place the knife down on the table behind me, easily accessible if needed, and with slow measured steps I come closer to the front door where I can feel his presence, the only thing separating me and him is the two finger thick wooden door denying his entrance.

I brush my hand across the seal placed just in front of me, feeling the chakra moving through it like flicking a light switch, it lights up and almost pulses. I must have done something right then.

But that still leaves me time until someone gets here. Time that is ticking oh so slowly, my urge to kill the bastard only intensifying now that I am closer to his presence. I can almost feel his frustrated breath fanning across my face from his position right in front of me. I know he is there, I feel it, and I know he feels it too.

I can hear a dull thump. His palm falling heavily on the door, it almost feels like a ripple going through me. A cold, calm feeling washes over me suddenly. I reach my hand out and touch the door lock turning it slowly, almost teasingly. As it unlocks I hear a soft *click*. I know he can hear it too. My face is so close to the door my hot breath is ricocheting against it and fanning the baby hairs away from my forehead. A drop of sweat slowly rolls down it, over my cheek and down to my chin where it stalls for but a second before it falls down to the floor. I take as a signal and slowly star opening the door. My mind screaming no, but my body reacting to my unwanted desires of committing sin. I'm sorry Father... For I will kill this son of a bitch for what he has done to me.

I have never been particularly religious... But never have I wished more for God to exist than in this one fraction of a moment it took me to swing the door open. I hope God exists, just so I can send this bastard to Hell.

The door is open. Right in front of me, less than an arms length away, stands a man. He is of tall stature, not particularly well built, but not skinny either. A rather plain looking, easily lost in a crowd face look down at me. He does not look anything like Tatsumi, but I know that it is him. I know it.

He looks particularly happy to see me, a lopsided smile pushing his left cheek higher than the other. A glint in his eyes telling me he is not all there, almost like a film is covering the plain brown irises showing them a reality that is made up by his twisted mind. He greets me with an empty sounding ''Hello.'' and a widening of that farce of a smile.

I say ''Hello.'' back. My smile seemingly genuine, but could not be farther away from the way I am truly feeling.

I move away from the door, angling my body in an invitation permitting him entrance into my apartment. I lead him to the low table in my living room, special for serving tea. He sits down and waits, his eyes never separating from my figure for long. I prepare him tea, calmly moving and keeping everything in his line of sight so that he does not think that I am trying to poison him. It is, after all, how all of this started.

I sit down on the opposite side of him and pour him his tea, the steaming, green tea flavored water creating a cloud above the earthen cup. He doesn't see me trying to put poison inside the tea because the tea was already infused with it beforehand. Not to say that I have been planning this... It's a just in case thing that shishou taught me how to make pretty early on in my poison lessons. It's quite effective. Not exactly in killing, but in subduing it's victim, slowly leaving them defenseless against me. He stupidly takes the cup and slowly takes a couple of sips. I stay smiling.

''Mitsuki-chan, have you missed me? I have been gone for a long time. I don't want you to think that I have abandoned you, no, I would never do that. You are too beautiful and too precious to be left alone for long so I tried my best to finish as soon as possible.''

''Yes, of course.'' My default answer when I don't really want to say anything. I can feel Kushina and Minato's chakra flaring in the distance, sending a wave of warmth through me, settling almost like a warm blanket over me and offering me protection. They will be here soon.

My eyes strain, trying to go to the knife sitting innocently on the kitchen table that I can barely see from my position, but I restrain myself. It's for the best this way. If I do end up killing him, it will be after T&I has thoroughly examined his mind, torn it to pieces left for me to find- and crush beneath the soles of my feet.

After a minute of silence it seems that not-Tatsumi has also noticed the approaching signatures, recognizing them for what they are. He seems to panic, withdrawing into himself, hunching his shoulders before abruptly getting up, the hot tea spilling all over my expensive table. Dick.

He starts pacing, muttering to himself about the time, the limit or something along the lines of it making absolutely no sense to me. Not that I care at this point, I feel like I have gone crazy myself and nothing is making sense anymore.

Not his actions, and certainly not mine.

Kushina breaks down the door suddenly, leaving it in splinters and making an unnecessarily dramatic entrance before leaping at not-Tatsumi with the intent of taking him down. Surprisingly he puts up a decent fight, blocking her kunai with his forearm but miraculously not sustaining any damage to himself, his arm making a sound reminiscent of when I was training with kunai by throwing them into a large block of wood. Kushina, also realizing that her attack accomplished nothing, leaped away from not-Tatsumi making an even larger mess of my apartment.

Minato, seemingly deciding that now is a good time for him to come in, throws his own share of kunai attacks, the thump-thumping sound sounding out yet again. Contrary to the chaos occurring around me, I calmly get up and go to the kitchen where I pick up my largest wok. I come back into my living room where its three occupants have made further progress in destroying my home. I wait a minute or two for the right moment before raising the wok high in the air and promptly smashing it into not-Tatsumi's skull with all of my strength, leaving my wok with a very head shaped dent and it's victim knocked out on the floor.

From that point on everything is a blur of emotional distress, Kushina holding me tight in her embrace, Kakashi showing up at one point with more ninja on his tail and all of them somehow ending up at the Hokage tower to explain everything.

I don't get back home until the morning, next day. I find my door still broken in pieces, cats inside my kitchen feasting on the two days old orange marmalade scones, and my mind struggling to fill in the missing pieces in my memory.

I don't quite feel like myself, I ruminate while taking a much needed shower, but rather like someone has taken control of my body and made me sit back and watch. Only I couldn't see everything because of the person sitting in front of me. I am a bit disturbed, but also quite grateful. It stopped me from committing, or at least trying to commit, murder.

Later that same day I am informed by Minato of the things they found out from not-Tatsumi. Which is nothing. Nothing because the man has somehow managed to explode himself and spread his innards all over the no doubt very-excited-about-his-new-wall-art interrogator.

My recompense for all of the damage caused to my person as well as my possessions? I get a new apartment for which I don't have to pay rent, an even clingier Kakashi, a Kushina that is now beyond determined to teach me fuuinjutsu and a Minato that keeps shooting me bewildered glances and shying away from me every time he sees me holding anything pan-shaped.

So, in conclusion, I'll just reiterate myself.

How. The. Flying. Fuck. Is this my life?

* * *

Also, to anyone requesting longer chapters... Maybe, but for now it's a bitch and a half trying to beta my own work into something mildly comprehensible. Sometimes I just write half a sentence on screen and half in my mind... If I ever get better I'm sure I'll have the mental capacity of making my chapters longer, so just hold on, k?


	13. 13: Time travel is an option

And with an overwhelming 24 voters we have an extra long normal chapter as the winner! Yaaaay! Ok so, i am completely unused to writing chapters more than 2000 words _at the most,_ and even though it is supposed to be a time traveling chapter where I quickly get to the point when thing are actually happening it ended up feeling rushed. I don't know, maybe? You guys can be the judge of that. If You actually kinda like how this turned out be sure to tell me so that I can switch from faster updates shorter chapters to slower updates longer chapters. This ended up being 4500 words, yay me, so without further ado... Enjoy.

* * *

I'm flitting about in the kitchen preparing an extensive lunch for team Minato, including dessert, of course. While I'm busying myself with the food Kakashi is sitting quietly on his kitchen chair watching me work. If I didn't like him so much the staring would be unnerving, but that's just how Kakashi is. It took me a while of getting used to his I'm an adult spiel, but now, it would just be weird to see him acting his age. Or what I think someone his age should be acting like, even Obito and Rin, while much more childish and free with their emotions than Kakashi, are quite mature. I guess it's just one of those things that come with learning how to kill people from a young age.

It is not long before I unconsciously start singing. The song of choice is the incredibly appropriate War by Jackie Chan, or if you're nitpicky about it- by Edwin Starr. The song is in it's original language, English, which I have oh so conveniently forgot doesn't exist here. It takes Kakashi until the second repeat of the chorus before he asks me

''What language is that?'' And I completely freeze in my spot, the rice I've been molding into onigiri stuck in my hand. If this were an anime I'm sure that a huge sweat drop would be seen upon my temple. Am I stupid or what?

While the fact remains that I have in no way forgot English, or my native language Serbian, I have not used them in anyway apart from using them as a code of sorts to write important information about the Naruto anime and manga down so that I wont forget it. New information I gathered off the streets too.

Is it in any way possible that I have in such a short time become so comfortable around Kakashi that I would completely let my guard down? This hasn't happened even while i have been on my own. Is it possible that I already consider Kakashi family?

I look over at his face, eyebrows furrowed in question and his gaze burning a hole in my head from it's intensity. Jeeze kid, relax a little.

I let out a big sigh, my chest expanding to it's full capacity before coming back down.

I do trust him, I guess... And he has been unusually attached to me, hanging around all the time, letting me try on new recipes on him, making sure I'm safe. It's not really as strange a concept as it first seemed, Kakashi being my family. I do after all really care about him. I think he cares about me too. But is it really safe to let him know who I really am? What I really am? Just coming out and saying 'Hey, so I've been reborn and your whole life and this whole world is actually just a part of some Japanese guys imagination. Ha ha. Ha.' Like that can ever happen, no, no way. But, what should I say then? I have already been standing in silence for a solid minute, If I don't say something soon he'll be more suspicious than he already probably is.

I sigh once more before putting down the unfinished onigiri and wiping my hands on the kitchen rag. I walk up to where Kakashi is sitting and kneel down in front of him, taking his small hands into my not much bigger ones and say

''Kakashi. Your nee-san is an alien.''

''...What?''

Fuck. I fucked up. That so wasn't what I wanted to say.

''Kakashi. Your nee-san _isn't_ an alien.''

''What are you talking about?''

Fuck.

''Kakashi. Your nee-san-''

''It's ok if you tell me you invented a secret code language, I won't think you're a spy.''

''...What?''

''That's what it is, right? It's a really good idea to sing songs in it too, so that you don't forget.''

''...Yes. That's totally what it was. Aha haha ha, you're so smart, Kashi-chan.''

Saved.

Now he seems nervous. He is looking off to the side, the hands I'm holding squeezing tighter in my hold. Oh ma gad, he is blushing! This is so cute. If I could take a pic right now this would seriously be my wallpaper.

''...Nee-san...''

!

''You called me nee-san!'' He usually doesn't. " *ehem* Yes Kashi-chan?"

''Could you, maybe… teach me?''

Say what?

''Teach you?''

''Yes. The secret language.''

''Why?''

''Well… because…''

''Is it because you want to talk to your nee-san in a secret language?''

I could swear that I have stars appearing in my eyes at this point. He is so adorable it should be illegal. But I'm already a criminal, so I don't mind. Ufufufu.

''Yes. That's why.''

Way too suspicious. That is _so_ not the reason why. But I don't really care.

''Ok."

"What? Really?"

"Yes. But not now."

"When?"

"Let this be our promise then. Nee-san knows that your team is being deployed. There is a high chance that I won't get to see you again." I can see him feeling contrite at this.

"No, listen. I know that war is hard for everyone, but… I really wish that you would come back to me, I'm selfish like that. So, let this be an incentive for you. _When_ you come back to me I will teach you. Until then..."

"Until then?"

" _I love you."_

"Ai rabu yu."

"Hahaha close. That's for until we next see each other."

"I lav yuu… We can still see each other, I won't be on missions all of the time."

"Yes, but… I am going away for a bit."

This seems to make him panic.

"Is it because of me? It's ok, you don't have to teach me"

I hug him close to me, resting his head on my shoulder and breathe in a scent that is so uniquely him.

"Nee-san has business to do in Tanzaku town. I have received a letter urgently requesting my presence there."

"Oh…"

" _I love you._ It means I love you. Aishiteru, Kakashi"

" _I love you…_ Me too, nee-san. Be sure to come back, I'll wait for you."

That night I make Kakashi sleep over. I tuck him in right beside me and hold him tight against me the whole night.

He is going to war, which means… It means that everything that the clusterfuck that is the future of this world is starting. It means that I have to prepare.

But… It's ok. I know that I will survive. I have to.

.

.

.

Escorting me back to Tanzaku city is a team of three genin, and even that is more than they-Konoha- can afford right now. The only reason that I even have an escort being the fact that I am traveling with a group of merchants. The merchants are of the enabling-the-war-for-their-own-money-grabbing-purposes variety. It's fine. I've been around worse people. Both lives included.

We are currently just a couple of hours away from our destination, and I couldn't be more grateful for it. I admit that my face has helped me through a lot in this life, but… It also sometimes sucks, like when a kid 'falls in love' with me and decides to dedicate all of his time and attention during this trip making a nuisance of himself. God. Just leave me alone already.

The merchants, which are comprised of only males, are also quite a bit annoying, but I can handle being leered at much better than someone trying to find out my favorite color for five hours straight. Get a clue.

.

.

.

Once I arrive at my destination, the destination being my former house and family- the brothel, I am almost drowned in hugs and kisses. Who would've thought they would miss me this much… or at all?

My reason for being here is that I received a letter saying that my not-Mother has fallen deathly ill and is, at her deathbed, requesting my presence. Why that would be I don't know, not like we have ever been close enough for that, or anything really. It's been eating at me this whole trip what I might find out once I get here.

But first, it seems, I am to be dragged all around and be told by everyone how much they miss me and blah blah blah. I haven't even been gone that long. The only thing they might miss about me is all of the things I used to do for them, and now they are left without that. I have not been close to many people here, sure we were friendly with each other, but there was always a palpable tension between me and anyone else here, for whatever reason.

At the beginning of my time here, that's from when I recovered my past life memories when I was four years old, I realized that all is not as it seems, and though I have been treated kindly by most of the people here there was always this… this look they would give me. One of jealousy and hate. Of course I never got attached to them, who would? But it was fine, at the time all I could think about was my next step to getting out of there and starting my informant business. Which, speaking of, is another reason I find myself in Tanzaku town, red light district specifically.

My precious little kiddies have been gathering information for me all of this time that I have been away, and it is time to cash in. Finally do something productive for once. I have been feeling more and more lately like this informant idea is going down the drain. Konoha is much harder to navigate, especially without the proper contacts.

I'm sure, though, that I will manage to conveniently find some while I'm here . I don't have any of the restrictions here that I have in Konoha, and with the war going on now is the best time to move my plan ahead, and do some information gathering. Not any that I could really use anytime soon, but this plan has always been about the future. I don't mind waiting if the waiting is worth it in the end.

.

.

.

My not-Mother, Chihiro, looks... so awful, really so... wasted away and nothing like what I remember her being when I was a kid. She is smiling at me with a sour kind of smile from her position, lying propped on the multitude of pillows and covered in blankets of all kinds. She is still shivering.

She makes everyone else leave the room and once they do so she motions to me with her pale hand to come closer.

She talks to me quietly with an unused raspy voice. She talks to me of her regrets, of being sorry she didn't take better care of me, of not being what she promised she would be- a mother. I forgive her , of course, not mentioning the fact that I never really considered her my mother and that she was more a figure I used to be more disdainful of my situation then. But, she is dying now, I'm not so cruel as to deny her a peaceful passing. You never know, she might end up being reborn in my world.

She then informs that I am to inherit everything that is hers. All of her possessions like clothing and jewelry, and the much more important- in my opinion- book of contacts. All of the people she gathered around her throughout her years as a courtesan she is giving to me to do what I want with. That must be for the Takaharu fiasco. That's nice of her, I conclude, really forgiving her this time.

I hold her hand in mine, telling her stories of Konoha until she no longer breathes. She passes with a small smile on her face. Gentle and motherly for once. I cry. And I let go.

I have much to do, and very little time to do so.

.

.

.

The kiddies, it turns out, have managed to be quite useful. By spreading the word around that I am dealing in information, and that I am willing to pay for it in food- this is an important factor for the kids who are just trying to survive on the streets- I have received a following of sorts.

I had gone to the dark and dank alleyways of Tanzaku's akasen to manage my information network. I had gone expecting the five or so kids I have given the task of gathering information for me. What I found, instead, was a developing community of kids squatting in an abandoned warehouse of sorts. All of them waiting for me, all of them willing to work for me, and the best part- all of them idolizing me.

Sometimes I'm so lucky it scares me.

It could be a superpower though... You never know in this world.

.

.

.

Chihiro's little black book turned out to be quite useful, and after a little bit of persuasion of the romantically inclined ways I have received all the support I need to actually start a business.

The war will be ending soon, and with that I will be able to start building my tea house. I have been thinking on this lately. Initially I had wanted to open my store on the road just outside of Konoha, mostly because I didn't want to be near all of the happenings inside those walls. But I didn't have Kakashi then. Now, that plan has been revised and includes not one but two tea shops. Also a fact that has come to my attention, the people of this world don't really have much in the ways of... fun substances.

They mostly use sake, tobacco and- for the more daring ones that live a bit on the edge of good morals- opium. The plain kind that you smoke, the one China was so popular for way back when. Makes sense, I guess. But what this information actually is- is an opportunity. Because, guess what? I used to deal drugs, make them, sell them, use them myself even, occasionally. I'm no stranger to drinking either, not after my alcoholic father from the life before. So, with a heavy heart, I decide to go back to being a drug dealer. All for good purposes of course. I do need money to help save the world... or something along those lines.

It makes sense to do this because most- if not all- of my clientele will be of the not-really-a-good-samaritan kind. And I plan to use every advantage I have. Like I said, surviving is the only option.

.

.

.

I received a letter from Kakashi begging me to come back. Obito and Rin have passed, and the war is over. That means my time here is coming to an end. It is time to go back to Oz.

I pack up my multiplied-by-five-percent things into a simple sealing scroll, say goodbye to everyone, make sure that the kids know what they should do as well as leaving them some money as incentive, and after finding a merchant traveling to Konoha hop on board with him. So begins yet another chapter in my life. Hopefully a better one this time.

.

.

The travel to Konoha is nice and easy, peaceful even. Once I arrive back to my apartment I see Kakashi there, sitting in front of my door, waiting for me.

''Kakashi.'' My greeting is quiet. I can practically see the grief coming off of him in roiling clouds of doom and despair.

''Come here. Nee-san will make everything better.''

He leaps into my arms. He doesn't cry, even though he should, he just takes deep shuddering breaths spreading heat across my neck. I pick him up in my arms and somehow manage to maneuver the both of us into my apartment. I head straight to the bedroom where i settle between the soft pillows and warm fluffy blankets, Kakashi unmoving in my arms the only sign of life his now calmer breathing. We stay that way as the sun sets, and we stay that way until the next day when the sun is high up in the sky. We probably would have stayed like that longer if a certain yellow flash didn't decide to grace us with his presence.

With Minato joining us we have a light lunch. After that we congregate in my living room, everyone in their own spot, drinking tea and just enjoying the fact that we are together once more.

We don't talk about Obito, nor Rin. We don't talk about the war, we don't talk about my time in Tanzaku. We just sit there, quietly, enjoying the warmth the tea is emitting, savouring the citrusy aroma.

Or we do, until Kushina comes barging in bringing with her the usual commotion.

I am back.

.

.

.

It is not quite obvious if you don't look closely, but if you perchance do you can see that Kushina has a baby bump. It' s a small, barely there thing that I only notice because I am expecting it. Also because Kushina is actually ripped underneath those unassuming clothes and any kind of deviation from that just pokes at my eyes.

I hug her one day and say congratulations. She is overly surprised that I noticed anything, and when questioned why she just says that Minato didn't notice anything. But that's Minato.

Kakashi, though, is a bit more apprehensive. Whether out of jealousy or fear that he will be replaced I don't know. I comfort him anyway. Smother him in hugs and kisses, making sure he knows that he will always be my one and only. I tell him _I love you_ , and this time he says it back, properly.

I have been teaching him English from time to time, it's slow going but it's going. In return he helps me with my aim, practicing throwing senbon with me and even going to the forest of death with me to pick poison ingredients. It's nice.

In the mean time I have been talking with the Hokage about my tea shop. It's a complicated process to open up a shop. The one I am planning of opening inside of Konoha walls is no problem, the one just outside is though. Something about jurisdiction and what not. I deal with though and remain persistent, I am in no hurry to open them after all, Naruto hasn't been born yet and the Kyuubi fiasco is yet to happen. I have about seven months left still, I can afford to enjoy the piece while it lasts.

.

.

.

The Kyuubi is another thing that I decided that I have no power to really change the course of. All I can really do at this point is be sure that Minato and Kushina have everything organized, and at the time the event is happening make sure that Kakashi is safe. Naruto will be taken care of at that point in his life. If there are any plans for that I still don't know, and I'm not about to come to Kushina and ask her 'When you die who is going to take care of Naruto?' But I will figure that out when the time comes.

.

.

.

On this... lovely day, I can be found stuffing all of my possessions into a sealing scroll. Why? Kushina has entered into labor.

It's great.

Kakashi is on a mission somewhere, and Minato with Kushina in tow has gone to a super secret place to deliver baby Naruto, an information that I am not privy to.

I am in a bit of a mood.

Ok, that's an understatement.

I am incredibly pissed off. I had, in a moment of succumbing to my emotions, tried to warn Minato and Kushina of the impending danger, without actually revealing that they are going to die soon. Which... I am not even remotely ok with that. Because, come on. I just got a new family, and some plot device is going to ruin everything.

For the better part of Kushina's pregnancy I had been coming up with plan after plan about what I am supposed to do in the aftermath of Konoha's destruction under Kyuubi's paws.

The answer being that I am going to run as far as I can... And then come back because Kakashi.

And maybe Naruto.

Also definitely Naruto. I can't just leave the fate of the world's savior in the hands of the completely incompetent.

So yeah... That's my plan.

Or, or... marry Jiraiya and become Naruto's guardian?

If all else fails I'll just kidnap him and run away... Maybe.

The only definite thing right now is the fact that Kakashi is not to be left to his own self-destructing devices. Not if I can help it.

With that decision made I promptly get the fuck out of Konoha.

.

.

.

When I do get back I encounter the complete destruction that once was a powerhouse hidden village.

It's kinda sad how completely unprepared everyone was for this.

I hurry to my apartment building only to find it in rubble. Kakashi is there, probably searching for me.

''Kashi-chan! Over here!'' The speed he uses to basically teleport to my side leaves me reeling. He attacks me with a hug pushing his nose into my neck and breathing in deeply. Behind him come bounding his ninken. Don't really know their names, never met them before.

''It's ok sweety, it's all going to be ok.''

His hug is almost bone crushing, but I don't mind. I'm glad he, at least, is safe.

I disentangle from his hold and try to lead him to place where we can stay for now. He tells me of the happenings, of Minato and Kushina's death. He tells me about the Kyuubi and Naruto's role as it's keeper. He sounds as if the words he is speaking are not actually processed in his brain. They are just coming out in a string of missing emotions and obvious compartmentalization. But that's ok too, I'll deal with it. I said that I will help Kakashi and I will keep my word. I'm not going to let him become the emotionally stunted and lonely man he was in the show I watched. Not on my watch.

.

.

.

My tea shop, it turns out, is gonna have to wait a bit more to start building. Konoha is slowly rebounding from the catastrophe, but it's people are obviously still under the effects of the attack. But I know that with time that will pass too, well... mostly.

I found a new apartment for me and Kakashi. Surprisingly he didn't put up a fight at all when I told him in no uncertain terms that he is going to be living with me.

Kakashi has just turned fifteen, and even though he doesn't tell me anything about his ninja part of life I know that he is now a part of the ANBU, acting as a spy for the Hokage. Which, fuck you very much Hiruzen, almost completely ruined my progress of turning Kakashi into a normally functioning human being. He's been Sherlocked and turned into a high functioning sociopath. So great. Much thanks.

Little Naru-chan is one year old and even though there are whispers about the Kyuubi no one is going after him for that, yet.

There are already rumors about the prodigious Uchiha entering the Academy, so... Itachi is happening right now. With that comes the eternal dilemma of helping or not helping. If helping, then how? Should I befriend him, or I don't know... Make contact with Fugaku as an informant and slip him the information that Danzo will use Itachi to slaughter his whole clan excepting his baby son Sasuke-butt? How does one go about this?

.

.

.

I just received news of my rape case being solved. Thanks, that was quick, it only took like five years.

It turns out that the impostor wasn't an impostor but Tatsumi himself. Except, he has been experimented on by Orochimaru. Something classified but obviously including Orochimaru's experiments with the First's kekkei genkai, which explains soooo much. I was literally assaulted by his wood. Ha.

The only reason my case was solved is because Orochimaru's lab has been discovered and he fled Konoha marking him as an S-class missing nin. I see large purple ropes in his future. Kinky.

.

.

.

Fast forward ten years. I am still me, almost completely unchanged... in looks. I have built two tea shops, one in Konoha and one outside it. In the background of the tea shops I'm running opium dens because these fuckers don't really need shit like speed, thank you very much.

The Uchiha massacre has come and passed, and I had done absolutely nothing. Why? Because I had my hands full with building my information network and taking care of Kakashi after he was forced to leave ANBU. We have, in the meantime, drifted apart. Both of us being busy with our side of the work, it's no excuse- but we use it anyway.

The actual truth being that I have fallen in love with the idiot, and he couldn't accept it. My fault really, making him call me nee-san and acting more like a mother. But fine, whatever.

Naruto-chan though... Is a whole different story. My suspicions turned out to be true and the people of Konoha have shunned him, verbally abused him, sometimes even physically. It was witnessing one such case that made me take things into my own hands. I adopted Naruto.

The how doesn't really matter, the why though? Well, there were a lot of reasons. The one I'm telling Naruto is that I need him as a helper, which he does- help I mean.

What I told Kakashi and Hiruzen was that I couldn't leave him alone when Minato and Kushina were always there to help me.

The real reason is all of the above and more. My personal one being that I remember how it is to grow up thinking that nobody loves you, that you're worthless. I don't want that for Naruto, I really don't. So he lives with me now, running errands such as delivering letters and doing small favors. Sometimes going to Konoha's small red light district and helping me keep contact with the ones running things there. In return I keep a roof over his head, cook for him, clean for him, sing him to sleep and hold him when he has nightmares. We are family.

It is almost time for Naruto's graduation to genin. This time, I hope, things will go differently. I did try to help him as much as I could with his ninja studies. Maybe make him less of an idiot and more of the genius I know he actually is. And with the graduation begins the whole deal.

What that actually means is that Kakashi will be Naruto's genin sensei.

What that actually means is that I will be more in contact with Kakashi than I have been in the last five years.

What that actually means is that there is nowhere left to run anymore Kakashi, so just stop trying.

'Cause ready or not, here I come.

* * *

I actually put a little S fact in this SI of mine. It's glaringly obvious, so... Anyone from the general Balkan area, sup? Also, I actually thought for years that I was like the only one from Serbia that uses this site, and lately I have been finding that information false. All is good with the world once more.


	14. 14: Hallucination induced babble

Good news is I'm getting better, bad news is that I'm still in the hospital due to needing assistance for basic things like TMI- pooping. I'm off the IV and eating semi-solids, so that's cool... Anyway, I'm not really able to have my PC here with me so I'm writing whatever comes to mind and I'm asking my friend to post this for me from her computer, so I hope it turns out Ok.

This chapter is like a it came to me so I wrote it drabble segue till I can post normal chapters, hope you enjoy anyway.

* * *

If I were in the world of Harry Potter, I would be a Gryffindor. Bravely stupid and all that shite. That's what I am. Or, wait, no. I would be a Slytherin. Yeah, definitely. It'd be like- you're a Slytherin? Yeah, more like Slytherin your pants. Ha! Get it? Like slither in your pants, like… Never mind, I'm sure you got it.

"Why are you talking to yourself?" Asked a very squinty eyed Naruto

"What?"

"What?"

"What is it?"

"What do you- never mind nee-chan, I like you even if you're weird."

"…What?"

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.

.

There were three people standing in the dark, smoke filled room. Standing is an exaggeration, what I meant was- there were three people in the room, only one was standing.

"Listen, since it's Christmas, I'm going to cut you a deal-" Started the figure sprawled across a throne like chair.

"But it's not Christmas…" The groveling so-called businessman spoke out.

"So you're saying that you don't want the deal?"

"No, no, I'm- what I mean… Merry Christmas?"

"That's right bitch. Merry Christmas to you too."

"Nee-san… It's the middle of August." The only sane person here, Nanase… It was a good idea to hire her as a personal assistant. It means I get to do less work. Relegating, people, it's all about relegating your work.

"Shut up Nanase, I didn't bring you here to be a smart aleck." But there are times when said secretary should respect her betters. Like now.

"Actually-"

"If I say it's Christmas, then it's Christmas! Go tell the cooks to prepare a feast!"

"The only cooks we have are the ones refining the opium, nee-san…"

"I demand a feast!"

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"I'm dying…" Were my first words this morning.

"You're not."

"How do you know, Nanase? You think you know everything, don't you?"

"Nee-san… you're hungover."

"What? I don't remember getting drunk…"

"… Nee-san"

"Well I'm still dying! Bring me Naruto!"

"…yes."

Naruto enters his Nee-san's private quarters. In the innermost room, shrouded in darkness and laying across an army of throw pillows he sees Mitsuki laying in an over-dramatic 'I'm dying' pose, complete with a hand thrown over his forehead.

"Nee-san, you asked to see me?"

His nee-san looks over with barely open eyes, a flash of amber light shining through the darkness.

"Naruto, come closer my child." His nee-san croaks out. He comes closer to the 'bed'

"What is it? Is something wrong?"

His voice reveals no concern, which is unusual in normal situations, but this isn't one of those.

"Naruto… Your nee-san is dying. I am in so much pain…"

"How can I help you. I'll do anything. Please don't die." Pours out of Naruto's mouth in an almost robotic voice.

"Please get me something to drink… Like sake. It's to help the pain…" His nee-san continues not noticing that everyone around him is completely exasperated with his behavior.

"There is nothing to drink anymore. You drank it all."

"What?! Why?" Is the incredulous reply to his statement.

"…." He is afraid to answer the question. What if the terror starts all over again? They will never be able to survive if nee-san throws another tantrum.

"Tell me!" Is shouted out. Nee-san abandons the silly pose and sits properly for the first time in three days…. It ha,s been hell.

"You…" Naruto starts off reluctantly "You killed your Tamagotchi pet…"

"What?! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Here we go again. Fuck.

"Everyone! Code red! Prepare the defense!"

This is his life now. Naruto sometimes thinks he might have been better off left on the streets. What the hell even is a Tamagotchi?

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In a land far, far away… I'm still debating on the fact if I miss cars or not, but god damn, weren't the trains invented by this point? Well, anyway, I'm in the land of eternal spring, where it's always snowing.

I'm here for a very nefarious reason. Popularity. That's right. I'm gonna be popular. How? By starring in an Princess what's-her-name movie. I'm not really sure what it is that I'm supposed to be doing but I sure hope it's quick. I'm afraid my dick is going to fall off. Don't laugh, this is a legitimate fear, it's like minus 20 degrees out here and I'm wearing a kimono. Not appropriate for this weather, don't let the decorative fur fool you. Anyway, I'll keep you updated, I'm gonna go bully someone into giving me their jacket.

TBC

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Hope to check in with you soon with a normal chapter. Peace!


	15. 15: Just another beginning

I feel it in my bones. This want of mine, and the more and more I wait... It's burning me from the inside out. I can't wait anymore. Somethings got to give, and in this case, Kakashi has got to give... it up and just sleep with me.

Oh my God how is it even possible to be this turned on just from a dream? Of holding hands!?

It's final. The verdict is here and it says that I am madly and hopelessly in love with Hatake Kakashi. I mean, I knew that since way back when it's just never been really clear if that is more of a.. an attraction, something carnal and tugging on my more primal instincts to own and be owned... But no, after eight years of waiting on him to get his shit together and even going as far as to not have penetrative sex because I'm saving myself for him why can't he just, just... Fucking admit you love me and then fuck my brains out Hatake Kakashi! God!

Ehem. I mean... never mind. I mean what I said... thought. And so, to make this wish of mine a reality, I have devised an ingenious plan. Mwahahahahaha. I will just annoy him until he gives up.

Yes.

That's the whole plan. Keep it simple stupid, right? And I do so want to kiss. Him. Kiss him. Yes.

To start with I will be following Naruto to his training with team 7 in the guise of wanting to meet his team and bringing them snacks and shit. Seems plausible, right?

And then slowly start spending more and more and more... and more time with Kakashi until one day he is completely used to the fact that I am once again a part of his daily do's. Until one day- I'm not. I will have fallen extremly sick and once he notices me gone and finds out that I might be dying he is going to come and beg me to be alright promising to never ignore me again and then he will kiss me and tell me he loves me and then we will have hot passionate sex and then we will have babies that look more like me because I am better looking and then... We live happily ever after.

''Nee-san why do you have a creepy look on your face? Never mind, listen to this! Today was that test that Kakashi-sensei said only like really good ninja pass, and then he had these bells and he was like 'Only two of you will pass' and I was like Bring it! And then he-''

''That's great Naruto-chan. Why don't we go and have lunch. We can have ramen to celebrate you becoming a genin.''

''Yes! You're the best Nee-chan! So listen- Sakura-chan then said that we are a team and then Sasuke-teme-''

''That's not nice Naruto! Don't call people names unless you want people to do that to you.''

''But Neeeeee-chaaaan! He calls me dobe all the time!''

''So? Just be the better man then. You do want to be better than him, right?''

''Well... yeah, but-''

''Then do so. Maybe he will realize how good you really are and stop calling you that. Especially now that you're teammates. You have to be able to trust him with your life at some point in a mission or something, and that's not gonna happen if you fight all the time. Same goes for Sakura.''

''You're so smart Nee-chan!''

''So listen, Naruto. I was thinking of coming to meet your team tommorrow, see who's gonna be spending all of that time with my baby now that he's all grown up.''

''I'm not a baby Nee-chan! But sure, you can come. Kakashi-sensei is always late so you can talk to Sasuke-te- I mean Sasuke and Sakura-chan.''

''That's great! I'll bring some snacks.''

''Oh! Oh! I want that ledu belbeltu cake!''

'' _Red Velvet_? Sure, we have reason to celebrate after all.''

''Hello Naruto! And Mitsuki-san, beautiful as always. What can I get ya?''

''Hey old man!'' ''Hello Teuchi-san, I told you already that you can call me Mitsuki. I'll have a miso, Naruto-''

''I'll have one shoyu, miso, chashu, and then tonkatsu and-and shio! Just keep them coming!''

'' Coming right up!''

Haaaa. Some things never change. I'm starting to think his name really is fish cake and not maelstrom... Never really know with Kushina, she was as much of a ramen addict as Naruto, If not more... Can't help but love them, though. Ramen addiction and all.

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Hello beautiful people of the internet, it is I 00am, here to bring you a barely started chapter that was meant to be hella long... but life had to come in and punch me in my hypothetical nuts. I'm finally out of the hospital, I have a debt to pay of because I have no medical insurance, my best friend moved, another hung herself and I'm searching for a second job so that I will be able to continue living. But that's just a normal thing here in Serbia. So, the point of this is that for a while I won't be writing anything. Not because I don't want to (as this is a great thing for dealing with depression) but because from the next week I will have absolutely no time nor energy to do it. I want to thank anyone who follows this story, and I hope that you can wait until such a time comes that I will be able to continue writing. Sorry if this disappoints you, but that's just how it is. Wish you all the good in this world, until we see each other again- Peace!


	16. 16: The night we met

Hello my dear followers, Hi, how are you? Me? Well, I guess I'm Ok enough, certainly better in some ways, worse in some others. I have had insomnia this past week and while rolling around in bed this morning around 4 o'clock I thought to myself, why not write something? So here it is.

I want to thank everyone for the, completely unexpected, support, comments and well wishes that you have given me. It doesn't change my current reality, but boy does it help. Thank you all so, so very much. (I actually cried but shhhh, don't tell anyone. I didn't even cry when they told me my dad died, what kind of person does that make me? I'll never know...)

This chapter is told by an unknown person, maybe completely irrelephant to the story, but kinda gives you a look into how other people may view Mitsuki.

While writing this I listened to **The Night We Met- Lord Huron** , on repeat, If you would like to listen to something while reading this- it's what I recommend.

Anyway... Enjoy!

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Golden orbs and flowing locks of night, moonlight reflected on pretty pink lips and a devious smile to complement the look in his eyes. If he was not as beautiful as an angel I would call him the Devil. But even so, if it were this person I would gladly sell my soul to burn for eternity in his realm deep underground for but a moment of his attention, for a flicker of that smile to be dedicated solely for me, for a fraction of his attentions to be true. But I know, I know that they are all a means to an end to him, all a game to played, and he knows how to play it.

The best of the best, the true players are the one that are so obvious in their intentions but you still let yourself be fooled. Don't be mistaken though. I may be a fool, but I am a fool only for him.

My angel.

My savior.

My beginning.

And also….

My end.

It was a quiet night when I met him first. I, like many others, had been fooled by his looks. I believed him delicate, pretty, dainty. Of course, being the person that he is, he never tried to prove us wrong.

He came looking for information, about what exactly I'm not sure- he asked many questions, some veiled behind idle chatter, some completely innocuous and misleading. At the time it wasn't even obvious that he was collecting information, but the third and fourth time that he came to the bar it certainly became obvious. After all, why else would he be there? I'm sure none of us there were actually worth as much of his time as he was giving us.

After his appearance in the bar became a regular thing though… His intentions could be anyone's guess, none of us were entirely sure, but we were glad for it nonetheless- We were able to spend longer periods of time in his presence, watching him smile, watching his eyes become alight with humor as he observed us. We were all-understandably- enchanted. Enamored. And completely caught up in his web.

Half a year passed since he first came here. By that time all of us knew- he was bad.

But he was so good at being bad that none of really did anything about it- even though most- if not all of us – are shinobi.

We knew that he is an informant, trading information separate of our leader the Hokage, working under his nose.

We also knew he was perpetrating the drug spread throughout Konoha and the surrounding villages and towns. It seems that he not only bewitched us, but those in the underworld as well. It became an undisputed fact after a while that he was the only one fit to lead that part of our world, he was the only one we would so willingly allow to do so, after all.

I am still unsure of what exactly attracted me to him so. I had a great wife waiting at home for me. I had a small boy with great aspirations of becoming just like his dad, and another kid on the way, a girl this time.

I had a normal shinobi life. I am a jounin, one that usually gets the missive missions, delivering sensitive information between hidden villages and the like. I want for nothing in my life, I have even achieved my dream of traveling all of the hidden villages and marrying the love of my life.

Being unsure though… It didn't stop me from trying to get closer.

It was mid December when he first addressed me by my name. Until that time I hadn't even known he knew my name… But how could he not.

He approached me with a swing in his step, wildness thrumming through his veins and a come hither look that obliterated all of my inhibitions.

He offered me a drink.

His hand trailed along my shoulders as I told him of things that ailed me.

His mouth quirked in a smile when he was amused.

He threw his head back as he laughed uproariously.

His kimono fell down a slender shoulder, revealing his delicate collarbones.

His hot breath released a white clouds as we strolled outside in the cold night air.

He sung me a song in a language unknown to me but beautiful in a way only he could make it.

I followed him home, and he let me in.

He fell onto the bed and I followed after him.

He gave me fake love,

And I gave him everything.

I still have a wife at home, even if it's not that great anymore. I have two children, a boy that wants nothing to do with his dad, and a little girl that barely recognizes him when he's actually home.

I have one dream that is fulfilled and I have another that I may perhaps never fulfill.

Everything that I want now is to have him love me,

As I love him…


	17. HI!

Hi, hello, how are ya?

I am here to inform you all that this story is most definitely not going to be continued, at least by me it isn't.

Everything I have written up for this story turned out to be angstier and angstier, as stories tend to do when the writer is dealing with an onset of depression. So! I have decided to release myself from my self imposed task to pander to my basically imaginary fans ( when this story was supposed to be fulfillment in the first place) and let it go, as my perception of this whole imaginary world I was diving into was more Alice through the looking glass than Alice in Wonderland.

In conclusion dearies,

If anyone has any wish of succeeding this story they are welcome to it, otherwise- no is the time to say goodbye.

I might convince myself to post something else on my account, most likely a one-shot, but in the spirit of me trying not to make myself depressed when I'm actually feeling OK for once, I'll endeavor to make it be of a happier sort.

Toodalooo! 3


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